Have Yourself A Doughnut’s Christmas…

Santa have come and gone…leaving behind wrapped presents, cookie crumbs and empty glasses
The pitter patter of feet running down the halls, looking, waiting, whispering in anticipation as they see what Santa has delivered and now want to open it
The Holes have torn holes into Santa’s delivery, making sure that he did not error in his delivery because he only come once a year… so no take backs if he got it wrong…Luckily for them we (Sweet Tart and I) always keep extra batteries and “receipt” tape for such needed corrections..
Trying or “testing” each and every one of them makes for a long day, but the Holes explain to me that they enjoy this part of the day…new toys to play with and so many at once…
Visiting Grandma’s for tummy stuffing and more gifts because the Holes know Santa doesn’t visit Grandma’s home…”She does not have any children at her house”….But a gift is a gift, so they don’t care..
Opening presents that are more clothing than toys can be disappointing, but they dare not say…as Grand’s presents are wrapped with care…and her wrath is distributed with care as well
Tummies are stuffed with holiday foods of cornbread dressing, turkey, ham, a variety of vegetables, cake, pies and plenty of things to wash it all down…
Games are played to entertain…fighting can occur, but trash talking is more likely…Plus, have to train for conflict resolution one way or the other..Right?…
Sleep take over the little one first, as Santa has wore her out…Will he get the others?
Only time can tell and I hear he keeps secrets pretty well…
Today was a good day and though tomorrow brings work and pain…I was glad to have today…As Memories are all we have to keep us sane…

Is Anyone Home? A Round Jadedoughnut is

Please get out of my head!

Please get out of my mind!

I’m sitting in this room.

I’m sitting all the time.

 

I document all that I see.

I write it as it told to me.

I feel that all is lost

‘Cause many don’t understand the cost.

 

The cost to speak freely

The cost to be me

A round jaded pastry

Who soon will be free?

 

I feel the race is won

So I sit

And So I stare

I stare at all that been done,

 

My friends tell me that I’m doing,

Good- by all who knows

But how good will that be?

If they really knew who run the show

 

If they really understood the plan

If they wanted to lend a hand

They would seek me some help

And not consider me a nut

For I’m a perfectly, round Jaded Doughnut

Why Would A Doughnut Kill?

The recent deaths of the people in Connecticut…forced me to think…and although it maybe it’s a little strange to think about, but I wonder why? Not the why it happened…cause that I wonder too, but the why would I…So today’s Dozen will be such an answer…Well what I would consider possible answers to Why would someone would do such a thing…

1. Spoiled-Our society today condones, actually      rewards this type of behavior…We as Americans not only get what we need      but what we want most of the time as well…Yes! I know this our right…we      feel we earned it, or we deserve it…but being spoiled also mean just      that…Spoiled…which leads      to…
2. Tantrums-or the inability to effectively      converse ones feelings…this can be observed as frequent as a baby poops      its diaper….Tantrums are thrown by not just by kids, but grown ass      adults as well…Don’t get what they want, first they cry, next let the      finger pointing begin, and when it’s not enough, start taking things from      others what you cannot replace…
3. Hurt-is there so much hurt that one would      hurt another?…Hell Yeah!… we do this also whether we want to admit it      or…pain is one of those      emotions we LOVE to share… tell      others about it, we sing about it, write about is, read about it, and even      kill about it…If only there was a way to end the pain
4. Love-why would we kill for love? So many      reasons…for everyone one love differently and it is defined differently      by each person who experiences it…It’s a precious emotion and very      sacred…to express one’s love through the loss of another…happened      before…and we continue to happen as long as it-LOVE that is-is so fleeting
5. Hatred…can’t love with hating      right?….this emotion is strong, pungent and corrupts even the purest of      souls….To Hate, I feel you must first know how to love…because      although we dislike what people do…to hate them…leads to dark      behavior…the kind that supports irrational thoughts…and Death
6. Destiny….Some people I truly believe are      just born to die young…that’s their purpose, to teach others lessons      that will alter their lives; therefore, affecting others…Is it right…it’s      not about that…it’s just one’s purpose and that’s all
7. Disturbed…this I find funny as a people have      a tendency to place behaviors they do not like in this category, she      wearing skinny jeans with a tank top and she morbidly obese, that disturbing….He hears voices      and talks to them, disturbed,      Her lover is slightly younger than she, only 20 year, disturbing;  He walks      around clutching a black briefcase as a child, disturbing
8. Evil…I love this too…what is      Evil?….isn’t it the opposite of Good…but isn’t one man’s good another      man’s evil…or is killing always wrong….Or maybe just killing children      is what is evil?…..Don’t think it’s evil, just wrong…Evil should be      left to describe the true dark stuff…stuff that will make your local      religious leader denounce his God and want to leave this land of the      living…But that just me…
9. Choice…Yes! One can choose to do such      things, they don’t have to care about others nor how it would affect them,      they don’t have to worry if they are coming home for they don’t plan to      come home…they are choosing to leave everyone else behind..
10. Violent Video Game/Television…Now I don’t believe this no more      than the Gun made them do it…But just for argument sake will say that      the video game caused this flawed thinking, as when you hunt down the bad      people, shoot up the aliens or monster, or when you steal the cars, run      from the police and shoot ice, fire, or flesh altering energy form you      hands you training yourself how to do this in real life…plus it’s ALWAYS      better in real life…
11. Sick…whether this is true, mental      illness physical illness or a little of both…sickness will cause people      to act differently, some in ways other don’t understand…This can lead  to ill feelings, an altered worldly view      and even Death…And he will always claim his victims
12. Fame…your only famous if you make it into      history….that’s His Story…because      that all it ever will be when this all is over…Adam Lanza the slayer of Connecticut’s      Sandy Hook Elementary School..He will live on though others will be forgotten…fame      or infamy…either way he’s out there…
13. Jealousy…”Always at work”, “Always putting others before me”, “Never supporting my ideas”, “They are good enough, but I am not”…”I want to be them, I want your unconditional love, affection and emotions”, ‘I want it all, I don’t want to share with them as they have their parents, they have their time alone”…”If I can’t have you no one can”….If I can’t love, marry, and procreate,.. no one should, for it is easy to go home.”    Jealousy like this…causes doubt, misguided thinking,  distrust and a warped way of see and interacting in the world..

These are some possible reason people do such harmful things to others…not a justification but a clarification…may all who pass, rest in peace and for those who take takes what’s not theirs….may you find what you seek…

Doughnut’s Dozen: Only 15years… Sweet Tart’s Lessons

It’s Monday, one day after my long, eventful weekend with the Sweet Tart…I…We have been together now for 15 years and this have provided me with something to talk about…So today, let I will share…Just a little of what I have learned in today’s Dozen…
1. Love…Yes! I must start the list with this chemical inducing emotion…without it, I would not have stayed with the Sweet Tart…She would agree…as I always loved someone…and she knew who it was
2. Choices…We all have them…. we all make them…I’ve made plenty during my time with her…and let’s say I just learned which ones you shouldn’t make…
3. Talking…Me? Not talking…That’s not going to happen…but crow taste great sautéed in I’m sorry, and covered in guilty feelings…but hey a Doughnut have to eat right?
4. Memories…Doughnut’s don’t recall well…remember the oh, hole in the middle thing…but Sweet Tarts do…Don’t know if it’s the being stuff with fillings, or the rough handling, but either way I quickly learned…if I didn’t want to pay for it later don’t say it now…but, then I recalled #3..”sigh”
5. Fun…Must say I have had plenty of this… Fun meeting her, fun talking to her, fun playing with her, fun fighting with her, fun dodging her, or and fun..well let say “touching” her…for her pink icing is sweet and can be quite sticky…Can’t seem to get it off of me…
6. Procreation…Didn’t quite know how this would work, being a Doughnut and she’s a Sweet Tart, but I’ve learned after several “touching events”…that it could work and little Doughnut Holes are the result…
7. Patience…Don’t know who taught who this, but I’m glad I have this now, for waiting holding a purse (not mine) while she shop, getting fussed at or listening to her..sometimes in the same conversation, and doing the Pee-Pee dance, while she finishes in the restroom, will surly test what patience you possess…
8. The Look…It took a few attempts and epic fails on my part to learn what each one stood for…but I think I have most of them now.. A few like…the “what you looking at” look…the “ I’m wrong, but you better not say so” look…the “Pleeaasse!” look….the “I’m sorry” look…and my favorite.. the “I want you” look…this can lead to #5 but I prefer it to lead to #6…
9. Honesty…I heard that this was the best policy…”Yeah! Right?!”…Whoever wrote this was a genius. As I have learned the more I’m honest about myself , the better she is with me…try it with your Sweet Tart and let me know
10. Hardship…I have learned that not all hardship are bad…I mean who wants struggles, pain, and misgivings? …I don’t know people standing in line for this, but I must say that by being with her…it hasn’t been unbearable…
11. Commitment…I didn’t realize how I disliked that word until I had to prove it…who would think that would have been so hard, but it was..For who wants to give everything up to take care of others and don’t expect anything in return…Oh by the way! This is referred to as “parenting” if you didn’t know…
12. Don’t Sweat…Whether it’s the small stuff or something colossal in nature, Don’t sweat it…for if you do, all the sacrifices made would in vain…plus without deodorant on, you can get pretty ripe…and she doesn’t find this attractive at all…
13. Death…Since I’ve been with Sweet Tart I have experienced Death’s form in several ways…She has always been there and I’m glad she was a she proven that she is the one for me…

These are just some of the things I have learned throughout the years of being with her; I look forward in many more experiences and life lessons

Why Wait? Doughnut’s Decision

Now…I have considered myself making right decisions, like to have the Doughnut Holes young….Well, I guess to make the Doughnut Holes young, would be the best way to say that, as I can’t have anything…So today, as I was getting dressed it dawned on me..I have a real teenager…a high school Doughnut Hole who will be exploring life, wanting to learn how to drive, wanting to go out on dates, wanting to do things I prefer she wait for, but I have no real control over if she does or not, and wanting to be “herself” in this ever evolving world…

These thought makes me sad…not because she will be leaving me (really can’t wait to get the home empty, running around naked in your home is so cool…if you haven’t tried it…you should)… My sadness is from the point that she continues to get older and so do I…I’m developing aches and pains, old man belly itch, and unexplained irritability…I hate it, don’t understand it, and love it all at the same time…Also teenagers cost SO much money..it’s like another infancy stage to me…that is also time when the Doughnuts Hole just eat, drink, and poop my money away, without any real return for me…I know I should want to invest in them  and sure they grow, and stuff, but who really benefits from that? They do!….Sure I can get a tax deduction for them..(least for now I can, beware the 2012 fiscal cliff)…but that doesn’t change the fact of the cost…Now I’ve been told…”You shouldn’t have them if you don’t want them. You knew they would cost and blah, blah, blah”…And I agree that I knew the price of child rearing…but that still doesn’t remove the want of cheap child related things…

Wouldn’t it be great if you could receive Being A Parent Discount on all the children related items in the stores…and the more children you have the bigger the discount…For I’m investing in the future, so I should be rewarded…Right?…And the better quality of my offspring, like honor roll, no juvenile delinquent behaviors, audio and visual pleasing….the bigger the discount would be and this would stack with long relationship discounts for those happy couples as well…I can see it now…Walking down the aisles at my favorite stores calm, soothing, shopping music playing over the loud speakers….getting half off for this, sixty percent off  for that, and for those real important thing…only ninety nine cents…And after I finished by shopping experience, I would be greeted by a nice customer loving cashier…who would greet me with

“Hello Mr. Doughnut. What can I get for your today?” Or “How was your shopping experience?”  And “I can see that you took advantage of the children going to bed early discount. That was quite the steal, but a well earned one for your part”….I would smile and look at the parents behind me in line who didn’t receive such great discounts. knowing that they would be envious of my great fortune and child rearing skills…But I’m sure I wouldn’t be the only one, I’d expect it would be several people utilizing this new service their children qualified them for…For who doesn’t like a deal?…

But that isn’t the case and there aren’t any discounts, so I’m forced to reality…the high prices of this gadgets or that fad as she is trying to maintain a level popularity or social life…that as a loving parent you suppose to support…Right? ..And that they (she included)  will thank me later and when I’m really up in age…will decide not to pawn me off to some nursing care center and visit me maybe three times a year (Father’s day, Birthday and Christmas)..But until that time, I will continue to struggle to get her what she needs and few things she want, provide her with challenges, and opportunities to make mistakes so that we (Sweet Tart and I) can uses these as discipline moments…Besides, the time will come when they house is empty and I will be laughing as the money collects in the bank, while my late reproducing family and friends are struggling to keep up with their technologically advanced, pocket draining, vacuum gutted young ones, while also trying to keep them happy and fulfilled.. I feel I have made the correct decision by starting young, I have the energy to deal with the struggle, the time to listen to the stories, and the tenacity to do it over and over again…Plus who does not like running through the house naked?

Doughnut’s Birthday…Sprinkles Please

Monday…Monday…and it been a while since a Dozen was baked…but TODAY is a special day and Special Baker’s Dozen for ME..’Cause today’s A Doughnut’s Birthday and …this Dozen is All About ME…So let’s see why I enjoyed my birthday.…

 

 

1. Life….the most obvious one…Today several years ago…Me Mum…gave birth to me…I baked in the oven forever and tore everything up coming out…least that’s I was told..Sorry Mum
2. Presents….been many…many years since I received a birthday gift I really liked…Sweet Tart and the gang got me a new fishing tackle box…Finally a gift I can use….Guess what color it is?
3. No Work…since Me Mum worked so hard on this date…I vowed not to work on the day if I could help it…So I was off today
4. Songs…You know even if they were off key, interruptions, and repetitious, I Loved receiving and hearing that little melody…”Happy Birthday to You”…performed by my individual family, co-workers, and  friends…
5. Eleven…the number of years it took for all  my co-worker to actually care enough to wish me a Happy Birthday
6. Birthday Suit…Well born this way…I was greeted this way…Who knew Sweet Tart wore pink icing…Yum!
7. Friendship…Always good to learn you have it…Even better when you can share it…
8. Fishing…Oh, You knew I had to try out the tackle box…Worked great…I looked good carrying it…and plus…it kept me organized…Can’t fall in that way
9. Five Dollars…Who said that a gift had be expensive…This was the best five dollars I ever received…Why?….Cause it bought me and Raisin Crème Pie lunch…What did we eat?…Let’s just say it was fulfilling ..
10. Joke…This year…he didn’t’ forget nor as I too busy to answer…I got the joke from my brother and I owe him one on his birthday
11. Notes…Well wishes greeted me at the door by the eldest…while also sharing credit with the boy…A pink poster board also marks the day and leaves a memory…Maybe Doughnut will take sprinkles this time
12. Memories…This birthday will be one to remember…It will go in the good file, in front of the first true sexual experience…it feels good to replace the other birthday memories with this one…
13. Hope…Today, I was given hope again…I felt that people really don’t care about you unless they are required to…and I should know better but that doesn’t mean I always do..This birthday was a sign that they do and I and Hopeful because  of it

I know this may seem confusing to some or stupid to other…but this Doughnut can say today that he is glad he is gotten older and added another wrinkle in his icing…

Am I..Nope..I’m A Doughnut

 

Am I a dreamer for wanting things to be fair?

Am I a little delusional for wanting life to be free?

Am I off my rocker for loving things that are a little weird?

Am I offensive for wishing people could just expand gas in public and embrace it?

Am I the One who should be stoned if I feel a higher being does not exist?

Am I demon possessed if I like the same sex?

Am I filled with gas if I feel that the world is going to H-E Double L in a hand basket?

Am I spazzed out if I feel everyone..I mean everyone deserve the right to be human to their level of understanding?

Am I a moron if I hope that the aliens don’t eat my brain with they come in 2012 so I wear a aluminum helmet because aliens are allergic to it…so I believe

Either way I don’t care Cause I’m ME…Round, jaded, holey, and sprinkle free…and as long as I’m Happy I can be free..

Anyway… who wouldn’t think a talking Doughnut is interesting anyway

Cause a Doughnut Has a Hole

Deep, dark thoughts bother me today…Don’t know why, but they do….I haven’t felt this way in a while and my hole has increased in size…engulfing me as I wonder around…Why? I don’t know…least this is what I tell myself…I felt I did something wrong…something I’ll pay for…Something THAT I can’t change, now even if I wanted to…I must learn to forgive myself…to let things go, no matter how much it troubles me…

I always felt it would be easy to take the life of another…the power would be invigorating, quite intoxicating…But this was not the feeling…Not the feeling I have…I have regret…I feel sorrow…and no matter how I rationalize what I have done, I can’t justify the actions I took…I have altered something that I cannot fix, I can never undo the harm I have caused….even though it was commanded of me…

Doughnuts are suppose to be sweet, a pleasure for those to eat…and only if you consume too many or have some ill wanted allergy reaction to wheat flour would they cause harm…and definitely not suppose to kill…However, there are times when it does happen…and WHAT’S A DOUGHNUT SUPPOSE TO DO?  WHY is it? I hate this, but it has happened…and now I will live with it…

“It wasn’t my fault”…I tell myself…”the bagel brought this upon itself”….”It understood if it was presented on display, it would be eaten or discarded like all the other stale, unwanted, undercooked pastries”…but it was my job to protect, to prevent this from happening…but NO!!   I was the mouth piece…the spokesman for Death…Damn! I hate being used…

But now, I must embrace it…stand firm on my deed and not allow this to bother me….to force me in consuming the poison…the nectar of the demons…Right?…Who wants a soggy Doughnut?….or maybe a toxic Doughnut is easier to swallow…either way I’m gonna have to make this right somehow…but how?

So As I sit here, chicken peckin’ at the keys, inscribing my thoughts, so that others can judge me, I feel that I know what I must do…Shed a tear? NO! Doughnuts don’t cry….Pledge to always support the Bagel…Naw, that would be a lie and something I really don’t want to commit too…Maybe take this as a lesson of what I won’t ever do again…Sounds more like it…for every event…affects the hole, the cream filling, and the voices in my head…So touché you sneaky bastard..Go back to your little hole…and stop fucking with me today…it’s not my fault…and this feeling I have shouldn’t be mine only to feel…not my burden to carry as I was doing as I was told and Doughnut has a hole

Rabbits and Doughnuts: Both Are Great to Eat

Think I heard or read that the dream is the window into the unconscious mind…well I feel that this maybe true for some, but since Doughnuts don’t sleep, it’s must be more of a window into the hole in my middle…I don’t like going there, but today I feel that I will… Looking deep into the hole I have came across a weird vision..one that disturbs me now even though I feel that I have grasped the meaning of it…but tell me what do you think..

 

..OK, the vision begin with me standing in a field…a field of swaying grass, gold, brown, and yellow stalks move gracefully in the wind, bowing and bending…left…the right…the left…the wind felt good to me and the sun felt even better…I suddenly felt hungry…a deep hunger, one that I felt would take a great deal of food to satisfy…but there was nothing around me to eat, nothing but grass..and that wasn’t going to happen…But then I saw it..a pair of large ears, a tiny nose, a solid black eye…a rabbit.”Yes!” I thought,” I can devour this rabbit and be filled”…So I began to chase it…I guess the rabbit didn’t want to be eaten so he ran, darting left and right, underneath rocks, logs and bushes trying to get away from me, but I was relentless…and motivated..by the hunger, I felt…I finally caught the rabbit…his little heart beating rapidly..fear in it little eyes, but I didn’t care…I actually love it, watching his little heart pound, smelling his fear…I smiled at it and then I devoured it all…it was good, but not satisfying…I wanted more…So I looked for more…I found more…chasing and devouring rabbits like a rabid beast, blood staining my tops, sprinkles gone…the more I chased, the more I ate, the hungrier I became…I then noticed that as I gave chase I was being pursue myself..by a beast, long claws, fangs and a tail, running on all fours, panting  and smiling a large toothy smile…He growled and howled as he tried to catch me…so I thought…I soon figured I was competing with this creature for the same food,  I could have shared my kills but I didn’t, but why would I? I don’t owe him anything…Finally I found myself in the cold, butt freezing snow.. thigh deep to me….I wanted to stop chasing but I couldn’t, I was so hungry…and the rabbits were SOO good…I gave chase to a small shack, burden with the weight of the snow..but inside the shack was large …it was cold inside, but the rabbit was there…I could smell it…My mind was racing, trying to pinpoint its exact location,  i heard movement, found the rabbit and pounced on it, but before I devoured it this time I looked and saw that it was not a rabbit but me…This shocked me and I stood there staring..then suddenly the door of the shack opened and the  beast caught up with me..and before he could speak I woke up…I know it’s weird…but what do you think this means?

A New Liver For Me…”Yeah Me”

I like surprises…Well most surprises…Not the ones where you are caught with your pants down, or you come home and a lovely visitor is there…Someone you really would not like to see…and especially not spending some time with…But this not one of these times…this was what would fall into the good category….This day I received a call…a call I was not ready to received, but was glad it was made…You see, I started talking about Liver an Onion a few post back…and today I was notified that I was going to receive a new Liver…Well Liver was going to get a new liver…Since Doughnuts don’t have livers…Either way, that was the news and I was surprised…Now I felt we would be ready for such news but…hmm quickly realized that I wasn’t and Liver and Onion surely wasn’t…I thought he was (told me he was)…but when the decision was needed…he was really more hesitant than I thought he would be…Shit, if I needed new fillings to be here (pointing to injecting site)..I’m like “fill me up”…But I am different…so I’m told…So after discussing with Liver and Onion about the pros and cons, awaiting on another explanation from the doctor…and not listening to Onion’s reasoning for not doing it..Liver gave the ok…Now this is where the wave of thoughts flooded my brain…tsunami style…Am I ready for this? What do I suppose to do now? You want… who to go with us? I don’t have time for babysitting…please be grown up today.

 

After making arrangements for overnights for Onion, cause she couldn’t dare ask her onion seeds to let her stay at his home, making arrangement for the holes to stay with Mom…and the Sweet Tart joining me for support, we were off…the ride was quite different…two hours of silence, thought provoking conversation and enjoying NPR (National Public Radio)…Right?…Nope!…They talked, and discussed all types of things..some made me laugh, others made me wonder, but hey this could be Liver’s last day so I will not complain…

 

Then once we get there we receive another surprise, I hate these…the hurry up and wait surprise…Huh?  Why did you have me rush only to wait…don’t you understand that waiting is the worst part of anything…the anticipation, the unknown, the feeling of anger that builds while others go before you….”Will you hurry the fuck up already!!!” I’ve got things to do…Sheesh..He’s dying right here (big finger pointing over his head)…so what that pale, fragile looking, hairless girl’s here for the same reason…It my Liver! Damn It!! And I need service NOW!”…Ok, these thoughts did fill my mind, but I’m to smooth or have too much swagger to say them out loud…I have to be civilized…Right?…after a hour or so of waiting…lost track after they changed shifts..We were admitted to a room…Then the real reason I was placed on this Earth revealed itself…I was here to be aggravated by Onion…who not only have degrees in every know science there is..She’s also is a specialist in men’s health (read one old book), internal medicine…Especially concerning the Liver…Onion not only aggravated the living hell out of me….she stunk up the place with her constant peeling, and peeling and peeling..”The nurses didn’t know what they were doing because they used the measurement MG versus CC…The PA.. poor, clueless, lady was trapped underneath the layer of hypothetical, unrelated and absurd accusation..The more she tried to get away by answering Onion’s question, or using superior customer service skills, the more Onion peeled on her..I finally had enough and released her..and she literally ran out of the room..Being who I am, I trying to justify Onion’s actions…Why is she acting like this? Don’t she understand EVERYONE…family and friends are just concerned about Liver as she is…if something goes wrong… she lose a husband…(had two before, plus you threaten to leave him so many times before)..But I will lose… My Liver…I have been here a lot longer than you..So stop acting so irrational, unstable and plan Loco…

 

Well after all the fiasco was over…I finally was able to find out some serious things about my Liver wishes. That I thought I knew already…DNR (do not resituate) was not his plan…as long as he can return like himself…keep him alive, otherwise let him go…It was hard to hear this..but hey it’s his life..and only a Liver right? …So now w e wait…and wait…family member come by, others call to send their best wishes..Face Book and other social media filling up…well wisher galore…this also was a surprise for Liver..he also though no one gave a Damn about him..only a selected few..but now he was able to see he had a purpose..or lest meant something to people…Getting flowers while you are alive is a great joy…The waiting went on for several more hours (4 am in the morning to be exact)…then found out we were literally waiting someone to pass so that Liver can get a new one…Death..waiting on you to claim your victim..so we can avoid you once more…Well Death claimed his victim and…shorted us also…”The liver was not suitable”..and we had to go home…Sigh!!..Damn!!…Onion was so glad, I was not..I’m not wanting things to get worst for him and then we watch him die slowly..I know how that is..Uncle Chunk taught me this…But hey, that the way the Doughnut crumbles and I know now I must obtain a medical power of attorney for Liver…Since Onion’s focus is on herself and not reality…