First Monday of 2012 and I’m thinking about first today. I have a had a few first that I would like to recall for this weeks Doughnut’s Dozen…So let’s begin…

  1. Crush…Ok…I recall my first crush…My mother stated that it was Wonder Woman played by Lynda Carter….But I felt it was my Kindergarten teacher…Linda Slade…Why? I don’t know, but either way those attractions did something as I’m drawn ice blue eyes, and the color blue
  2. Pain…I recall the first time I felt true self inflicted pain…I was a riding my red tricycle and decided that I could ride down the back steps of my home…Why? I saw it on television and felt that if they could do it…So could I…Lets just say…after watching the world spin, feeling the crushed as I tumbled down the steps, and hating gravity…I quickly realized that things on television was not true
  3. Fear…For some particular reason, call it a blessing or more of a curse…as a child was really in tuned with the other world…this cause me a lot of fear…but the first I felt terror was the night I saw the flying, flame skull…My mother left my father this week and we went to live with a friend…Well this home, the friend lived in was haunted…like Paranormal Activity haunted…and to make matters worst… The friend loved to sleep in total darkness…The night the skull appeared, the darkness was so thick, I could feel it…the skull was chattering and trying to tell me something, while burning, flew in and out of the room…Scream if I could, but that didn’t occur, as sound would leave my throat, but I was able to relieve my bladder, but unfortunately not in the right receptacle…I didn’t found out what the message was that night…Why? I don’t know…but years later I did…lets just say, there are things worst than death
  4. Discrimination…As Doughnut…you can imagine that are people who don’t like me… Well when your a Doughnut Hole, you don’t know this and the home I was reared in, difference wasn’t a topic that was discussed….I learned that I was really different when I got school…When the children tell you…”You can’t come to my home because your a Doughnut” or “You can’t play with me because your a Doughnut”….I felt hurt, dirty, ugly, and really confused as I was told I could achieve whatever I wanted and the sky was the limit…Well someone should have told that to everyone else Why? Because they felt that they were better and made sure I knew that
  5. Swearing…My family was pious…So swearing was not done…but that didn’t mean I didn’t know the words….I first swore when I went to buy my mother a present at Adam’s Drug Store…now I took my little brother and we went into the store to look for her present…I had saved my pennies to buy something…My mother loved to collect what-knots and ceramic keep sakes…So this is what I was looking for…While in the store, my brother touched a set of bears riding a sew saw and chipped one…The store owner made me buy the set….I swore at my little brother…I remember the feeling I had after I swore at him…I felt dirty, them got scared…cause he would surly tell mother on me…Why? Cause this is what little brothers do..
  6. Anger…I have been mad before, and will continue to get upset…however the first time I really got angry was when I at school….I was being teased by a certain child…well I had taken too many beatings and knew the results of loosing to any child…so I snapped…when I get truly angry, I trembled, and everything  gets a red tinge, I seek blood and have to see it to feel relived…So I did, I punch the child and busted his nose, of course I received a paddling for this behavior…but I felt good about this…Why? Anger building up is a like pressure in a pipe with no where to go…If it doesn’t release…It will burst hurting everyone around
  7. Porn….Riding home from school on my bike, I stopped at the local basketball court to see who was around, no one I knew…So I continued home, but then I saw some paper laying on the side of the road…I was hoping someone had left/dropped their money, so I could give it another home…But when I picked up the items, I saw it was picture of a lady…but she didn’t have any clothes on…Now my little heart raced and my groins reacted to the sudden visual stimuli…I should have thrown the paper down Why? Cause hiding it at home would be the big secret in the household…as I would find them, bring them home, and my mother would throw them away…but would not tell me she did and I could not ask her about them…
  8. Shame….Mom, I love her and always felt she did her best raise me…But the first time I experienced shame was due to her…I didn’t know that clothes I was receiving from my cousin were gender specific…Don’t know if my mother knew or not, but either way, I wore the girl clothes, and they were tight….this was not helpful to the musical class I was taking that day and the teacher called me out on it…Why? I truly think she was just being a bitch that day…
  9. Love…I have been through some of the phases of love…crush, puppy love, infatuation, and lust…there are girls and women for each stages but I first experienced being in love with my sweet tart…Why? Cause love is something that takes a while to develop…you can’t tell is if really love someone until you are willing to change for them, to neglect others, and to feel the pain if they leave
  10. Pride…Ever go several days without eating a full meal?…Honey buns and sodas are not very healthy after a few days…things start to look weird…I quickly learned that pride will kill you…I was so proud of what I could do for myself that I refused to go ask for help when I needed it…Why? Being a 17year old independent Doughnut makes you dumb
  11. Fatherhood….Now this feeling is hard to explained…It’s like receiving a plant that can grown into to what you want; however, the catch is that others can also influence the development, as well as the plant can choose not to grow and no mater what happens, you will always receive the credit for it…You are proud of the bundle of flesh you hold in your hand…and want the best for it…you develop this sense of if something or someone hurt it…you will destroy it….Why? Don’t know…biology?
  12. Alien….With all this immigration drama going on today…I can relate to the aliens that they are fussing about…being in a strange country were you have to learn their rules, speak their language, live by their rules is not an easy task especially if you are living by the rules and experiences of previous individuals…In Korea, this happened to me…not cool…but a great experience to force you to appreciate where you come from…Why? Because not being able to read the signs can lead to being in the wrong place at the wrong time…and we know where this leads..
  13. Spirits….I have felt this in several different forms…as child I felt the spirit…I was a warm sensation that gain control of my body and I danced uncontrollably…Great experience!…As an adult (young), I experienced the spirits caused by chemical…This was fun and well I continue to all these spirits to gain control of the body, but never total control of the mind Why?…Loose you mind, you loose control…and I’m to small to go to jail..

Well these are a few first…What about you? When were your first