“The week goes by fast when your having fun”…least what I was told…And I am beginning to believe that this is quite true…But then I was told that “it’s not going faster, I’m just moving slower”…that the older you get the faster the time appears to trickle away…Well ain’t that just dandy…another reason why I do not like getting older…So today’s dozen is about why I don’t like getting older, old things including people and many more “aging things”…

 

  1. Loss of Hair…the crown or glory as some call it….it’s a blessing, a sign of youth…you can style it, dye it and it beckons….makes a statement, but as you get older, it seems to loose it’s luster and fall out more…I think this because I have notice more male and female pattern baldness then I’m happy to acknowledge…and no matter how you try to fluff it out, comb it over…everyone can still see your bald head..
  2. Saggy Skin…I was told that this would come when I ate too much and then loss weight quickly, or stop going to the gym…well I have notice a lot of saggy skin on old people…the flabby skin folds that dangle from different body parts are not attractive…and gives me shivers when they touch me during granny’s embrace…
  3. Eh!”,  “Whatcha say?”, “Can you repeat that?”….The loss of hearing is something I’m really not looking forward too either…I know years of cochlea vibrations, Q-Tip swabbing, and loud, thumping music didn’t help much, but constant repeating myself doesn’t help either…
  4. “Who are you? Come a little closer please?”…No! I don’t want to come closer to you, sorry you can’t see me…but that’s what happens when you get old…heavy eye staring, long hours at work or television watching is a way to really ruin your eyes… maybe it’s the constant bombardment of butt crack, and undergarment from sagging pants is the real culprit
  5. Bad Odor…Ok, is it just me or do older things just smell funny?…Not funny Ha..Ha…but funny bad…like a different, unpleasant smell…from flowers, to people…old stuff smell funny….and what I find weird is that the older you get, the more pleasant the funny smell becomes…
  6. Beer…Unlike wine…Beer doesn’t taste better the older it gets…aged beer taste like bitter bath water (don’t ask)…just believe me it do…best beer is cold…fresh from the tap…
  7. Stress…I hate this with a  passion…and guess what I learned? It causes aging….I know this is true cause I look at people I work with daily  and they look “old as hell” no matter how much make up they use to hide it…
  8. Elderly Drivers…Ok..I know some would say this is a stereotype, because their grandmother is a “speed demon.”  Maybe your grandmas is, but 99% of the others aren’t and after watching the little old couple hold traffic up on the interstate as I was traveling, while their right blinker was on…I feel this is true…I really feel we should retest our elder drivers so that they can keep their license..
  9. Stories Tellers…I love stories…”new ones”…but I have been caught in the loop of a story by my elders and I think this is a shared experience…How you can tell if a loop have occurred is as the story is being delivered, the recipient continues to stare, eyes glazed over, mouth agape while each word slowly and carefully escapes the story teller’s mouth…I try not to get into those situations by avoiding the storyteller at all cost…
  10. Speed Deficient….I know this is true…as I have slowed down…I recall sprinting, jumping, and playing ball all in the same stride…if I try that now…I’ll be laying on the ground, mimicking Red Fox…”warning  Elizabeth”…I watch them and now realize that they can not help it, but still don’t like it
  11. Stomach Problems…I really hate this about getting old…I use to pride myself in the “cauldron” I use to call my stomach, I could mix and toss all kind of things in there and keep going…now it’s more like a small clay pot…easily cracked, and can’t hold things too hot or too cold without consideration
  12. Reliability…No matter how much we want to think that old things will always be there…the truth is…they won’t…not that they don’t want too…it just the way it is…reliable at first…but will eventually let you down
  13. Death…The worst things about being old or having something that is old…is that it will eventually stop working…Death will come and take what’s his and all you can do (unless your what’s Death’s after) is to get something knew or move on to something better…either way it Sucks..

Well I tell people often…least if they ask…that I do not like old people and things…but now I’m becoming one…Slow, and Senile…But enjoying every minute of it…So get off my lawn…and let me have the fast lane

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