Category: Digestions


Santa have come and gone…leaving behind wrapped presents, cookie crumbs and empty glasses
The pitter patter of feet running down the halls, looking, waiting, whispering in anticipation as they see what Santa has delivered and now want to open it
The Holes have torn holes into Santa’s delivery, making sure that he did not error in his delivery because he only come once a year… so no take backs if he got it wrong…Luckily for them we (Sweet Tart and I) always keep extra batteries and “receipt” tape for such needed corrections..
Trying or “testing” each and every one of them makes for a long day, but the Holes explain to me that they enjoy this part of the day…new toys to play with and so many at once…
Visiting Grandma’s for tummy stuffing and more gifts because the Holes know Santa doesn’t visit Grandma’s home…”She does not have any children at her house”….But a gift is a gift, so they don’t care..
Opening presents that are more clothing than toys can be disappointing, but they dare not say…as Grand’s presents are wrapped with care…and her wrath is distributed with care as well
Tummies are stuffed with holiday foods of cornbread dressing, turkey, ham, a variety of vegetables, cake, pies and plenty of things to wash it all down…
Games are played to entertain…fighting can occur, but trash talking is more likely…Plus, have to train for conflict resolution one way or the other..Right?…
Sleep take over the little one first, as Santa has wore her out…Will he get the others?
Only time can tell and I hear he keeps secrets pretty well…
Today was a good day and though tomorrow brings work and pain…I was glad to have today…As Memories are all we have to keep us sane…

Please get out of my head!

Please get out of my mind!

I’m sitting in this room.

I’m sitting all the time.

 

I document all that I see.

I write it as it told to me.

I feel that all is lost

‘Cause many don’t understand the cost.

 

The cost to speak freely

The cost to be me

A round jaded pastry

Who soon will be free?

 

I feel the race is won

So I sit

And So I stare

I stare at all that been done,

 

My friends tell me that I’m doing,

Good- by all who knows

But how good will that be?

If they really knew who run the show

 

If they really understood the plan

If they wanted to lend a hand

They would seek me some help

And not consider me a nut

For I’m a perfectly, round Jaded Doughnut

The recent deaths of the people in Connecticut…forced me to think…and although it maybe it’s a little strange to think about, but I wonder why? Not the why it happened…cause that I wonder too, but the why would I…So today’s Dozen will be such an answer…Well what I would consider possible answers to Why would someone would do such a thing…

  1. Spoiled-Our society today condones, actually      rewards this type of behavior…We as Americans not only get what we need      but what we want most of the time as well…Yes! I know this our right…we      feel we earned it, or we deserve it…but being spoiled also mean just      that…Spoiled…which leads      to…
  2. Tantrums-or the inability to effectively      converse ones feelings…this can be observed as frequent as a baby poops      its diaper….Tantrums are thrown by not just by kids, but grown ass      adults as well…Don’t get what they want, first they cry, next let the      finger pointing begin, and when it’s not enough, start taking things from      others what you cannot replace…
  3. Hurt-is there so much hurt that one would      hurt another?…Hell Yeah!… we do this also whether we want to admit it      or…pain is one of those      emotions we LOVE to share… tell      others about it, we sing about it, write about is, read about it, and even      kill about it…If only there was a way to end the pain
  4. Love-why would we kill for love? So many      reasons…for everyone one love differently and it is defined differently      by each person who experiences it…It’s a precious emotion and very      sacred…to express one’s love through the loss of another…happened      before…and we continue to happen as long as it-LOVE that is-is so fleeting
  5. Hatred…can’t love with hating      right?….this emotion is strong, pungent and corrupts even the purest of      souls….To Hate, I feel you must first know how to love…because      although we dislike what people do…to hate them…leads to dark      behavior…the kind that supports irrational thoughts…and Death
  6. Destiny….Some people I truly believe are      just born to die young…that’s their purpose, to teach others lessons      that will alter their lives; therefore, affecting others…Is it right…it’s      not about that…it’s just one’s purpose and that’s all
  7. Disturbed…this I find funny as a people have      a tendency to place behaviors they do not like in this category, she      wearing skinny jeans with a tank top and she morbidly obese, that disturbing….He hears voices      and talks to them, disturbed,      Her lover is slightly younger than she, only 20 year, disturbing;  He walks      around clutching a black briefcase as a child, disturbing
  8. Evil…I love this too…what is      Evil?….isn’t it the opposite of Good…but isn’t one man’s good another      man’s evil…or is killing always wrong….Or maybe just killing children      is what is evil?…..Don’t think it’s evil, just wrong…Evil should be      left to describe the true dark stuff…stuff that will make your local      religious leader denounce his God and want to leave this land of the      living…But that just me…
  9. Choice…Yes! One can choose to do such      things, they don’t have to care about others nor how it would affect them,      they don’t have to worry if they are coming home for they don’t plan to      come home…they are choosing to leave everyone else behind..
  10. Violent Video Game/Television…Now I don’t believe this no more      than the Gun made them do it…But just for argument sake will say that      the video game caused this flawed thinking, as when you hunt down the bad      people, shoot up the aliens or monster, or when you steal the cars, run      from the police and shoot ice, fire, or flesh altering energy form you      hands you training yourself how to do this in real life…plus it’s ALWAYS      better in real life…
  11. Sick…whether this is true, mental      illness physical illness or a little of both…sickness will cause people      to act differently, some in ways other don’t understand…This can lead  to ill feelings, an altered worldly view      and even Death…And he will always claim his victims
  12. Fame…your only famous if you make it into      history….that’s His Story…because      that all it ever will be when this all is over…Adam Lanza the slayer of Connecticut’s      Sandy Hook Elementary School..He will live on though others will be forgotten…fame      or infamy…either way he’s out there…
  13. Jealousy…”Always at work”, “Always putting others before me”, “Never supporting my ideas”, “They are good enough, but I am not”…”I want to be them, I want your unconditional love, affection and emotions”, ‘I want it all, I don’t want to share with them as they have their parents, they have their time alone”…”If I can’t have you no one can”….If I can’t love, marry, and procreate,.. no one should, for it is easy to go home.”    Jealousy like this…causes doubt, misguided thinking,  distrust and a warped way of see and interacting in the world..

These are some possible reason people do such harmful things to others…not a justification but a clarification…may all who pass, rest in peace and for those who take takes what’s not theirs….may you find what you seek…

It’s Monday, one day after my long, eventful weekend with the Sweet Tart…I…We have been together now for 15 years and this have provided me with something to talk about…So today, let I will share…Just a little of what I have learned in today’s Dozen…
1. Love…Yes! I must start the list with this chemical inducing emotion…without it, I would not have stayed with the Sweet Tart…She would agree…as I always loved someone…and she knew who it was
2. Choices…We all have them…. we all make them…I’ve made plenty during my time with her…and let’s say I just learned which ones you shouldn’t make…
3. Talking…Me? Not talking…That’s not going to happen…but crow taste great sautéed in I’m sorry, and covered in guilty feelings…but hey a Doughnut have to eat right?
4. Memories…Doughnut’s don’t recall well…remember the oh, hole in the middle thing…but Sweet Tarts do…Don’t know if it’s the being stuff with fillings, or the rough handling, but either way I quickly learned…if I didn’t want to pay for it later don’t say it now…but, then I recalled #3..”sigh”
5. Fun…Must say I have had plenty of this… Fun meeting her, fun talking to her, fun playing with her, fun fighting with her, fun dodging her, or and fun..well let say “touching” her…for her pink icing is sweet and can be quite sticky…Can’t seem to get it off of me…
6. Procreation…Didn’t quite know how this would work, being a Doughnut and she’s a Sweet Tart, but I’ve learned after several “touching events”…that it could work and little Doughnut Holes are the result…
7. Patience…Don’t know who taught who this, but I’m glad I have this now, for waiting holding a purse (not mine) while she shop, getting fussed at or listening to her..sometimes in the same conversation, and doing the Pee-Pee dance, while she finishes in the restroom, will surly test what patience you possess…
8. The Look…It took a few attempts and epic fails on my part to learn what each one stood for…but I think I have most of them now.. A few like…the “what you looking at” look…the “ I’m wrong, but you better not say so” look…the “Pleeaasse!” look….the “I’m sorry” look…and my favorite.. the “I want you” look…this can lead to #5 but I prefer it to lead to #6…
9. Honesty…I heard that this was the best policy…”Yeah! Right?!”…Whoever wrote this was a genius. As I have learned the more I’m honest about myself , the better she is with me…try it with your Sweet Tart and let me know
10. Hardship…I have learned that not all hardship are bad…I mean who wants struggles, pain, and misgivings? …I don’t know people standing in line for this, but I must say that by being with her…it hasn’t been unbearable…
11. Commitment…I didn’t realize how I disliked that word until I had to prove it…who would think that would have been so hard, but it was..For who wants to give everything up to take care of others and don’t expect anything in return…Oh by the way! This is referred to as “parenting” if you didn’t know…
12. Don’t Sweat…Whether it’s the small stuff or something colossal in nature, Don’t sweat it…for if you do, all the sacrifices made would in vain…plus without deodorant on, you can get pretty ripe…and she doesn’t find this attractive at all…
13. Death…Since I’ve been with Sweet Tart I have experienced Death’s form in several ways…She has always been there and I’m glad she was a she proven that she is the one for me…

These are just some of the things I have learned throughout the years of being with her; I look forward in many more experiences and life lessons

Cause a Doughnut Has a Hole

Deep, dark thoughts bother me today…Don’t know why, but they do….I haven’t felt this way in a while and my hole has increased in size…engulfing me as I wonder around…Why? I don’t know…least this is what I tell myself…I felt I did something wrong…something I’ll pay for…Something THAT I can’t change, now even if I wanted to…I must learn to forgive myself…to let things go, no matter how much it troubles me…

I always felt it would be easy to take the life of another…the power would be invigorating, quite intoxicating…But this was not the feeling…Not the feeling I have…I have regret…I feel sorrow…and no matter how I rationalize what I have done, I can’t justify the actions I took…I have altered something that I cannot fix, I can never undo the harm I have caused….even though it was commanded of me…

Doughnuts are suppose to be sweet, a pleasure for those to eat…and only if you consume too many or have some ill wanted allergy reaction to wheat flour would they cause harm…and definitely not suppose to kill…However, there are times when it does happen…and WHAT’S A DOUGHNUT SUPPOSE TO DO?  WHY is it? I hate this, but it has happened…and now I will live with it…

“It wasn’t my fault”…I tell myself…”the bagel brought this upon itself”….”It understood if it was presented on display, it would be eaten or discarded like all the other stale, unwanted, undercooked pastries”…but it was my job to protect, to prevent this from happening…but NO!!   I was the mouth piece…the spokesman for Death…Damn! I hate being used…

But now, I must embrace it…stand firm on my deed and not allow this to bother me….to force me in consuming the poison…the nectar of the demons…Right?…Who wants a soggy Doughnut?….or maybe a toxic Doughnut is easier to swallow…either way I’m gonna have to make this right somehow…but how?

So As I sit here, chicken peckin’ at the keys, inscribing my thoughts, so that others can judge me, I feel that I know what I must do…Shed a tear? NO! Doughnuts don’t cry….Pledge to always support the Bagel…Naw, that would be a lie and something I really don’t want to commit too…Maybe take this as a lesson of what I won’t ever do again…Sounds more like it…for every event…affects the hole, the cream filling, and the voices in my head…So touché you sneaky bastard..Go back to your little hole…and stop fucking with me today…it’s not my fault…and this feeling I have shouldn’t be mine only to feel…not my burden to carry as I was doing as I was told and Doughnut has a hole

Think I heard or read that the dream is the window into the unconscious mind…well I feel that this maybe true for some, but since Doughnuts don’t sleep, it’s must be more of a window into the hole in my middle…I don’t like going there, but today I feel that I will… Looking deep into the hole I have came across a weird vision..one that disturbs me now even though I feel that I have grasped the meaning of it…but tell me what do you think..

 

..OK, the vision begin with me standing in a field…a field of swaying grass, gold, brown, and yellow stalks move gracefully in the wind, bowing and bending…left…the right…the left…the wind felt good to me and the sun felt even better…I suddenly felt hungry…a deep hunger, one that I felt would take a great deal of food to satisfy…but there was nothing around me to eat, nothing but grass..and that wasn’t going to happen…But then I saw it..a pair of large ears, a tiny nose, a solid black eye…a rabbit.”Yes!” I thought,” I can devour this rabbit and be filled”…So I began to chase it…I guess the rabbit didn’t want to be eaten so he ran, darting left and right, underneath rocks, logs and bushes trying to get away from me, but I was relentless…and motivated..by the hunger, I felt…I finally caught the rabbit…his little heart beating rapidly..fear in it little eyes, but I didn’t care…I actually love it, watching his little heart pound, smelling his fear…I smiled at it and then I devoured it all…it was good, but not satisfying…I wanted more…So I looked for more…I found more…chasing and devouring rabbits like a rabid beast, blood staining my tops, sprinkles gone…the more I chased, the more I ate, the hungrier I became…I then noticed that as I gave chase I was being pursue myself..by a beast, long claws, fangs and a tail, running on all fours, panting  and smiling a large toothy smile…He growled and howled as he tried to catch me…so I thought…I soon figured I was competing with this creature for the same food,  I could have shared my kills but I didn’t, but why would I? I don’t owe him anything…Finally I found myself in the cold, butt freezing snow.. thigh deep to me….I wanted to stop chasing but I couldn’t, I was so hungry…and the rabbits were SOO good…I gave chase to a small shack, burden with the weight of the snow..but inside the shack was large …it was cold inside, but the rabbit was there…I could smell it…My mind was racing, trying to pinpoint its exact location,  i heard movement, found the rabbit and pounced on it, but before I devoured it this time I looked and saw that it was not a rabbit but me…This shocked me and I stood there staring..then suddenly the door of the shack opened and the  beast caught up with me..and before he could speak I woke up…I know it’s weird…but what do you think this means?

Wow!!..Night already and I’m finally able to write down a few thought of mine…been a few weeks and I have a lot of them going on in my head…and I will let them old thought go but as of now I’m feeling a little doughnutish today…I explain “doughnutish” is a the feeling you get when feel that life haven’t given you all the information when dealing with a situation; therefore, leaving you with a large hole in the middle”…Only problem with me is when I get this way..I tend to embrace it and fall within the hole…

Why do I feel this way today?…well today I was presented with an unknown but one that causes me to rethink my view of myself…I consider myself a very rounded individual…I don’t consider myself better than ten the next doughnut, bagel, pretzels, biscuits, or sweet tart I deal with; but lately with all the media attention to the difference of us all, the feeling we have when dealing with differences and the treatments of such difference, I makes me wonder…Do I hate and don’t really want to say I do…

I know I like being around those like me…shoot doughnuts sell better as a dozen then single…but is my preference due to my natural want to be around pastries who are like me or is this just what I think I want to do…reason I say that is I often feel funny around other doughnuts…like they know I’m not really one of them…wonder what they are thinking, feeling and what they say about me when I leave…then to make It worst, I find myself talking about them as well…about how they should know better, how dressing up doesn’t change the fact that they are doughnuts and always will be…does this make me a doughnut hater?

When around others, not like me…I feel funny…I watch and wait, but often try to catch them of guard and mentally attack them, so that I can always seem ahead, even though I quite feel that I’m behind…This helps me support or justify my dislike, but also helps me understand those I’m really trying to understand…Is it a nice thing? Probably not, but I don’t care…It’s about me and my ability to understand the world and the pastries around me…

With the steady destruction of others, it’s easy to become desensitized. This is my problem I feel, but when I was presented with the idea that one of my fellow doughnuts wanted to go to Pakistan to study new found religion, my mind automatically went to training camps and self destruction….I feel I was wrong for the assumption and don’t really this is what the goal is for the visit; however, this stupid hole in me (JD) is say you know this is or what is going on with him….I honestly know all Muslims aren’t terrorist and for me to even think this is wrong…I hate stereotypes, and I know better than to do this, but I find myself doing this more lately…saw a lady today dressed very ..Let’s say…”loose” and the first thing pops in my mind is prostitute…was I right? No….well least I think no..I didn’t ask her…either way I was wrong…and being in my profession know better…then to draw conclusions from simple glances without getting information

When I think about it, I don’t hate…pastries….I just dislike people…people have a way of getting things wrong, passing judgments, and not trying to fix things…while pastries are too busy trying to live and not get eaten up by the people of society…So what I have to do is to stay a doughnut, a little jaded and let things “ride it out”…because life usually fix itself one way or another..

Sleep For The Restless Mind….

AHH!!!!….

Stop talking to me…I am tired of hearing you…I can hear what you want…I know what you desire…But I don’t care…I don’t want to do this anymore…fighting you, I quickly learned is impossible…so I quieted you…I quieted your loud, obnoxious, spine chilling voice…each word spoken cause my inner ear to bleed…I can now taste it in the back of my throat….

STOP!! IT!!!…

You can’t persuade me…You can’t trick me either…I have learned…I maybe crazy, but I not a fool…Life is too short, people DO love me…I know this regardless of what you say…I AM worth something…

NO!!!!…

It’s not too late…I can still find hope and desire…I know who I am…and you do not….I am NOT hated….I am NOT ugly and I’m NOT fat….There are people who feel that YOU are the one who is wrong…YOU are the one who needs the help…the medication…NOT I…Cause, they hear you as well…they can see you as I do…you can not hide behind that smile…They have figured you out…

WAIT!!!!…

Don’t go…I need you…I am so alone without you….Please come back…I won’t say those hurtful things anymore…I promise to do better, to love you and obey you…I will be there when you need me…to listen when you speak…and follow your every word…laugh when I should…and cry when expected too…Please don’t go…I NEED you…

DIE!!!…

I’m glad your dead…glad the maggots will feast on your body…I wished I were the one who caused your demise…I wished I was there to watch your last breathe leave your body so that I could catch it on film and watch it on repeat…To capture your tears and taste them…I Hate you so…Death was too good for you…pain and suffering should have been your reward for your deeds…not the sweet embrace of death…DAMN!!! I WAS CHEATED!!!….WHY???…What have I done to deserve this…wasn’t I good enough…I paid my dues…I gave to charities…I did what was right…but ALL I get is pain, suffering and this Loud as voice in my head…

Ahhh!…

Quiet…quiet are you…I can sleep now…Your are finally quiet…no more whispers…no more cheers…no more humming…no more jeers…So this is what peace is like…I can see now…My mind is at rest…”yawn”…I am so tired…..”yawn”…I can now sleep

Thoughts…

Something been bothering me lately, and I know I shouldn’t let things do this, but I do….I have been following our political process lately  and watching the atmosphere surrounding our presidents reelection process…It appears that no matter how bad I want things to be better….the “Isms” always show their ugly heads…I would think after all this time, people would have gotten over things, but I what I have learned is  that the undo hatred is there and a part of our culture…Bagels hate doughnuts, while crème filled doughnuts dislike glazed ones….all are tasty but who gives a damn about that…It appears that as long as people have a way to make things appear that they are better than the next person, they will do their best to do this…Stupid…to me it is…the time and energy it takes for one to dislike the other, they could be making a new friend or learning something new…life is so short, a few bites and we are all gone…becoming the nutrients of the new life…so why worry about what the bagel have or what type of filling the doughnut have and just be ourselves…Look deep within yourself and see if you are guilty of this stupid behavior and quit….learn to like all pastries…big or small…stuffed or hollow…baked or fried….black or white…they all eat the same and come out the same also…

Yawn”…two Mondays and the lists have not came…and for this I am very ashamed…but every time I bake a dozen… and that week I could not deliver… I sat there and cried myself a river…Now this caused the Doughnuts to be soggy…and then I felt so very foggy….Why? I don’t know….maybe because I need to release the flow….of things that whisper within my head…and with out medication I can hear what they said….To do things that I should not do…To make decision that would turn things blue…And though this is my favorite Color…I would rather discuss things like my lover…She is sweet and tart as she can be…And the only one for me…I can not see her with another…For without her each day would be like the other…Time would past without a care and this would surly cause people to stare…As I would aimlessly walk around…With a smile that’s upside down…My eyes would leak….And others would too….But the difference would be their leaks would be blue…So now that I can bake again…The oven is hot and welcoming…It only take a week and not two…To bake not dozen for you…