Tag Archive: death


The recent deaths of the people in Connecticut…forced me to think…and although it maybe it’s a little strange to think about, but I wonder why? Not the why it happened…cause that I wonder too, but the why would I…So today’s Dozen will be such an answer…Well what I would consider possible answers to Why would someone would do such a thing…

  1. Spoiled-Our society today condones, actually      rewards this type of behavior…We as Americans not only get what we need      but what we want most of the time as well…Yes! I know this our right…we      feel we earned it, or we deserve it…but being spoiled also mean just      that…Spoiled…which leads      to…
  2. Tantrums-or the inability to effectively      converse ones feelings…this can be observed as frequent as a baby poops      its diaper….Tantrums are thrown by not just by kids, but grown ass      adults as well…Don’t get what they want, first they cry, next let the      finger pointing begin, and when it’s not enough, start taking things from      others what you cannot replace…
  3. Hurt-is there so much hurt that one would      hurt another?…Hell Yeah!… we do this also whether we want to admit it      or…pain is one of those      emotions we LOVE to share… tell      others about it, we sing about it, write about is, read about it, and even      kill about it…If only there was a way to end the pain
  4. Love-why would we kill for love? So many      reasons…for everyone one love differently and it is defined differently      by each person who experiences it…It’s a precious emotion and very      sacred…to express one’s love through the loss of another…happened      before…and we continue to happen as long as it-LOVE that is-is so fleeting
  5. Hatred…can’t love with hating      right?….this emotion is strong, pungent and corrupts even the purest of      souls….To Hate, I feel you must first know how to love…because      although we dislike what people do…to hate them…leads to dark      behavior…the kind that supports irrational thoughts…and Death
  6. Destiny….Some people I truly believe are      just born to die young…that’s their purpose, to teach others lessons      that will alter their lives; therefore, affecting others…Is it right…it’s      not about that…it’s just one’s purpose and that’s all
  7. Disturbed…this I find funny as a people have      a tendency to place behaviors they do not like in this category, she      wearing skinny jeans with a tank top and she morbidly obese, that disturbing….He hears voices      and talks to them, disturbed,      Her lover is slightly younger than she, only 20 year, disturbing;  He walks      around clutching a black briefcase as a child, disturbing
  8. Evil…I love this too…what is      Evil?….isn’t it the opposite of Good…but isn’t one man’s good another      man’s evil…or is killing always wrong….Or maybe just killing children      is what is evil?…..Don’t think it’s evil, just wrong…Evil should be      left to describe the true dark stuff…stuff that will make your local      religious leader denounce his God and want to leave this land of the      living…But that just me…
  9. Choice…Yes! One can choose to do such      things, they don’t have to care about others nor how it would affect them,      they don’t have to worry if they are coming home for they don’t plan to      come home…they are choosing to leave everyone else behind..
  10. Violent Video Game/Television…Now I don’t believe this no more      than the Gun made them do it…But just for argument sake will say that      the video game caused this flawed thinking, as when you hunt down the bad      people, shoot up the aliens or monster, or when you steal the cars, run      from the police and shoot ice, fire, or flesh altering energy form you      hands you training yourself how to do this in real life…plus it’s ALWAYS      better in real life…
  11. Sick…whether this is true, mental      illness physical illness or a little of both…sickness will cause people      to act differently, some in ways other don’t understand…This can lead  to ill feelings, an altered worldly view      and even Death…And he will always claim his victims
  12. Fame…your only famous if you make it into      history….that’s His Story…because      that all it ever will be when this all is over…Adam Lanza the slayer of Connecticut’s      Sandy Hook Elementary School..He will live on though others will be forgotten…fame      or infamy…either way he’s out there…
  13. Jealousy…”Always at work”, “Always putting others before me”, “Never supporting my ideas”, “They are good enough, but I am not”…”I want to be them, I want your unconditional love, affection and emotions”, ‘I want it all, I don’t want to share with them as they have their parents, they have their time alone”…”If I can’t have you no one can”….If I can’t love, marry, and procreate,.. no one should, for it is easy to go home.”    Jealousy like this…causes doubt, misguided thinking,  distrust and a warped way of see and interacting in the world..

These are some possible reason people do such harmful things to others…not a justification but a clarification…may all who pass, rest in peace and for those who take takes what’s not theirs….may you find what you seek…

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Cause a Doughnut Has a Hole

Deep, dark thoughts bother me today…Don’t know why, but they do….I haven’t felt this way in a while and my hole has increased in size…engulfing me as I wonder around…Why? I don’t know…least this is what I tell myself…I felt I did something wrong…something I’ll pay for…Something THAT I can’t change, now even if I wanted to…I must learn to forgive myself…to let things go, no matter how much it troubles me…

I always felt it would be easy to take the life of another…the power would be invigorating, quite intoxicating…But this was not the feeling…Not the feeling I have…I have regret…I feel sorrow…and no matter how I rationalize what I have done, I can’t justify the actions I took…I have altered something that I cannot fix, I can never undo the harm I have caused….even though it was commanded of me…

Doughnuts are suppose to be sweet, a pleasure for those to eat…and only if you consume too many or have some ill wanted allergy reaction to wheat flour would they cause harm…and definitely not suppose to kill…However, there are times when it does happen…and WHAT’S A DOUGHNUT SUPPOSE TO DO?  WHY is it? I hate this, but it has happened…and now I will live with it…

“It wasn’t my fault”…I tell myself…”the bagel brought this upon itself”….”It understood if it was presented on display, it would be eaten or discarded like all the other stale, unwanted, undercooked pastries”…but it was my job to protect, to prevent this from happening…but NO!!   I was the mouth piece…the spokesman for Death…Damn! I hate being used…

But now, I must embrace it…stand firm on my deed and not allow this to bother me….to force me in consuming the poison…the nectar of the demons…Right?…Who wants a soggy Doughnut?….or maybe a toxic Doughnut is easier to swallow…either way I’m gonna have to make this right somehow…but how?

So As I sit here, chicken peckin’ at the keys, inscribing my thoughts, so that others can judge me, I feel that I know what I must do…Shed a tear? NO! Doughnuts don’t cry….Pledge to always support the Bagel…Naw, that would be a lie and something I really don’t want to commit too…Maybe take this as a lesson of what I won’t ever do again…Sounds more like it…for every event…affects the hole, the cream filling, and the voices in my head…So touché you sneaky bastard..Go back to your little hole…and stop fucking with me today…it’s not my fault…and this feeling I have shouldn’t be mine only to feel…not my burden to carry as I was doing as I was told and Doughnut has a hole

I like surprises…Well most surprises…Not the ones where you are caught with your pants down, or you come home and a lovely visitor is there…Someone you really would not like to see…and especially not spending some time with…But this not one of these times…this was what would fall into the good category….This day I received a call…a call I was not ready to received, but was glad it was made…You see, I started talking about Liver an Onion a few post back…and today I was notified that I was going to receive a new Liver…Well Liver was going to get a new liver…Since Doughnuts don’t have livers…Either way, that was the news and I was surprised…Now I felt we would be ready for such news but…hmm quickly realized that I wasn’t and Liver and Onion surely wasn’t…I thought he was (told me he was)…but when the decision was needed…he was really more hesitant than I thought he would be…Shit, if I needed new fillings to be here (pointing to injecting site)..I’m like “fill me up”…But I am different…so I’m told…So after discussing with Liver and Onion about the pros and cons, awaiting on another explanation from the doctor…and not listening to Onion’s reasoning for not doing it..Liver gave the ok…Now this is where the wave of thoughts flooded my brain…tsunami style…Am I ready for this? What do I suppose to do now? You want… who to go with us? I don’t have time for babysitting…please be grown up today.

 

After making arrangements for overnights for Onion, cause she couldn’t dare ask her onion seeds to let her stay at his home, making arrangement for the holes to stay with Mom…and the Sweet Tart joining me for support, we were off…the ride was quite different…two hours of silence, thought provoking conversation and enjoying NPR (National Public Radio)…Right?…Nope!…They talked, and discussed all types of things..some made me laugh, others made me wonder, but hey this could be Liver’s last day so I will not complain…

 

Then once we get there we receive another surprise, I hate these…the hurry up and wait surprise…Huh?  Why did you have me rush only to wait…don’t you understand that waiting is the worst part of anything…the anticipation, the unknown, the feeling of anger that builds while others go before you….”Will you hurry the fuck up already!!!” I’ve got things to do…Sheesh..He’s dying right here (big finger pointing over his head)…so what that pale, fragile looking, hairless girl’s here for the same reason…It my Liver! Damn It!! And I need service NOW!”…Ok, these thoughts did fill my mind, but I’m to smooth or have too much swagger to say them out loud…I have to be civilized…Right?…after a hour or so of waiting…lost track after they changed shifts..We were admitted to a room…Then the real reason I was placed on this Earth revealed itself…I was here to be aggravated by Onion…who not only have degrees in every know science there is..She’s also is a specialist in men’s health (read one old book), internal medicine…Especially concerning the Liver…Onion not only aggravated the living hell out of me….she stunk up the place with her constant peeling, and peeling and peeling..”The nurses didn’t know what they were doing because they used the measurement MG versus CC…The PA.. poor, clueless, lady was trapped underneath the layer of hypothetical, unrelated and absurd accusation..The more she tried to get away by answering Onion’s question, or using superior customer service skills, the more Onion peeled on her..I finally had enough and released her..and she literally ran out of the room..Being who I am, I trying to justify Onion’s actions…Why is she acting like this? Don’t she understand EVERYONE…family and friends are just concerned about Liver as she is…if something goes wrong… she lose a husband…(had two before, plus you threaten to leave him so many times before)..But I will lose… My Liver…I have been here a lot longer than you..So stop acting so irrational, unstable and plan Loco…

 

Well after all the fiasco was over…I finally was able to find out some serious things about my Liver wishes. That I thought I knew already…DNR (do not resituate) was not his plan…as long as he can return like himself…keep him alive, otherwise let him go…It was hard to hear this..but hey it’s his life..and only a Liver right? …So now w e wait…and wait…family member come by, others call to send their best wishes..Face Book and other social media filling up…well wisher galore…this also was a surprise for Liver..he also though no one gave a Damn about him..only a selected few..but now he was able to see he had a purpose..or lest meant something to people…Getting flowers while you are alive is a great joy…The waiting went on for several more hours (4 am in the morning to be exact)…then found out we were literally waiting someone to pass so that Liver can get a new one…Death..waiting on you to claim your victim..so we can avoid you once more…Well Death claimed his victim and…shorted us also…”The liver was not suitable”..and we had to go home…Sigh!!..Damn!!…Onion was so glad, I was not..I’m not wanting things to get worst for him and then we watch him die slowly..I know how that is..Uncle Chunk taught me this…But hey, that the way the Doughnut crumbles and I know now I must obtain a medical power of attorney for Liver…Since Onion’s focus is on herself and not reality…

“The week goes by fast when your having fun”…least what I was told…And I am beginning to believe that this is quite true…But then I was told that “it’s not going faster, I’m just moving slower”…that the older you get the faster the time appears to trickle away…Well ain’t that just dandy…another reason why I do not like getting older…So today’s dozen is about why I don’t like getting older, old things including people and many more “aging things”…

 

  1. Loss of Hair…the crown or glory as some call it….it’s a blessing, a sign of youth…you can style it, dye it and it beckons….makes a statement, but as you get older, it seems to loose it’s luster and fall out more…I think this because I have notice more male and female pattern baldness then I’m happy to acknowledge…and no matter how you try to fluff it out, comb it over…everyone can still see your bald head..
  2. Saggy Skin…I was told that this would come when I ate too much and then loss weight quickly, or stop going to the gym…well I have notice a lot of saggy skin on old people…the flabby skin folds that dangle from different body parts are not attractive…and gives me shivers when they touch me during granny’s embrace…
  3. Eh!”,  “Whatcha say?”, “Can you repeat that?”….The loss of hearing is something I’m really not looking forward too either…I know years of cochlea vibrations, Q-Tip swabbing, and loud, thumping music didn’t help much, but constant repeating myself doesn’t help either…
  4. “Who are you? Come a little closer please?”…No! I don’t want to come closer to you, sorry you can’t see me…but that’s what happens when you get old…heavy eye staring, long hours at work or television watching is a way to really ruin your eyes… maybe it’s the constant bombardment of butt crack, and undergarment from sagging pants is the real culprit
  5. Bad Odor…Ok, is it just me or do older things just smell funny?…Not funny Ha..Ha…but funny bad…like a different, unpleasant smell…from flowers, to people…old stuff smell funny….and what I find weird is that the older you get, the more pleasant the funny smell becomes…
  6. Beer…Unlike wine…Beer doesn’t taste better the older it gets…aged beer taste like bitter bath water (don’t ask)…just believe me it do…best beer is cold…fresh from the tap…
  7. Stress…I hate this with a  passion…and guess what I learned? It causes aging….I know this is true cause I look at people I work with daily  and they look “old as hell” no matter how much make up they use to hide it…
  8. Elderly Drivers…Ok..I know some would say this is a stereotype, because their grandmother is a “speed demon.”  Maybe your grandmas is, but 99% of the others aren’t and after watching the little old couple hold traffic up on the interstate as I was traveling, while their right blinker was on…I feel this is true…I really feel we should retest our elder drivers so that they can keep their license..
  9. Stories Tellers…I love stories…”new ones”…but I have been caught in the loop of a story by my elders and I think this is a shared experience…How you can tell if a loop have occurred is as the story is being delivered, the recipient continues to stare, eyes glazed over, mouth agape while each word slowly and carefully escapes the story teller’s mouth…I try not to get into those situations by avoiding the storyteller at all cost…
  10. Speed Deficient….I know this is true…as I have slowed down…I recall sprinting, jumping, and playing ball all in the same stride…if I try that now…I’ll be laying on the ground, mimicking Red Fox…”warning  Elizabeth”…I watch them and now realize that they can not help it, but still don’t like it
  11. Stomach Problems…I really hate this about getting old…I use to pride myself in the “cauldron” I use to call my stomach, I could mix and toss all kind of things in there and keep going…now it’s more like a small clay pot…easily cracked, and can’t hold things too hot or too cold without consideration
  12. Reliability…No matter how much we want to think that old things will always be there…the truth is…they won’t…not that they don’t want too…it just the way it is…reliable at first…but will eventually let you down
  13. Death…The worst things about being old or having something that is old…is that it will eventually stop working…Death will come and take what’s his and all you can do (unless your what’s Death’s after) is to get something knew or move on to something better…either way it Sucks..

Well I tell people often…least if they ask…that I do not like old people and things…but now I’m becoming one…Slow, and Senile…But enjoying every minute of it…So get off my lawn…and let me have the fast lane

A Doughnut For Whitney

Found  in the bathroom,

Wet on the floor,

Slick and shiny,

Close to the door.

 

Those who found me,

Wish they knew,

Why I lie there in the nude.

 

Was I murdered?

Or was it suicide?

What was I doing?

What was I trying to hide?

 

If they look deep.

If only they search,

They will find their answers

without having to lurk.

 

Around the tables,

Around the chairs,

look in my closet

be sure to look down stairs.

 

He always leave clues,

to what happens to thee.

But All I care is,

will you remember me?

 

Recall all the things.

I’ve done for the good

How I overcame,

the lover from the hood.

 

A voice compared to angels

and beauty all mine.

Many souls did I move,

with ballads divine.

 

But will they evoke,

these ballads at all?

Or will they only focus,

On my downfall.

 

What makes better coverage?

Whatever moves the press,

Selling thousands of records

Is all they do best.

 

Be sure they will find out

what happened to me.

And notify the world

of things about my privacy.

 

Because they should know

‘Cause it’s their right!

Hey! They paid for my life

and I got to live in spite

 

Of all the hard work

the hours I slaved

in learning and mastering

the things they craved.

 

So, no matter if I lay

here nude on the floor

all slick and shiny

so close to the door.

 

They’ll only remember.

All they can do is stare.

Because He took me away

and will never share.

 

R.I.P. Whitney..

Sleep For The Restless Mind….

AHH!!!!….

Stop talking to me…I am tired of hearing you…I can hear what you want…I know what you desire…But I don’t care…I don’t want to do this anymore…fighting you, I quickly learned is impossible…so I quieted you…I quieted your loud, obnoxious, spine chilling voice…each word spoken cause my inner ear to bleed…I can now taste it in the back of my throat….

STOP!! IT!!!…

You can’t persuade me…You can’t trick me either…I have learned…I maybe crazy, but I not a fool…Life is too short, people DO love me…I know this regardless of what you say…I AM worth something…

NO!!!!…

It’s not too late…I can still find hope and desire…I know who I am…and you do not….I am NOT hated….I am NOT ugly and I’m NOT fat….There are people who feel that YOU are the one who is wrong…YOU are the one who needs the help…the medication…NOT I…Cause, they hear you as well…they can see you as I do…you can not hide behind that smile…They have figured you out…

WAIT!!!!…

Don’t go…I need you…I am so alone without you….Please come back…I won’t say those hurtful things anymore…I promise to do better, to love you and obey you…I will be there when you need me…to listen when you speak…and follow your every word…laugh when I should…and cry when expected too…Please don’t go…I NEED you…

DIE!!!…

I’m glad your dead…glad the maggots will feast on your body…I wished I were the one who caused your demise…I wished I was there to watch your last breathe leave your body so that I could catch it on film and watch it on repeat…To capture your tears and taste them…I Hate you so…Death was too good for you…pain and suffering should have been your reward for your deeds…not the sweet embrace of death…DAMN!!! I WAS CHEATED!!!….WHY???…What have I done to deserve this…wasn’t I good enough…I paid my dues…I gave to charities…I did what was right…but ALL I get is pain, suffering and this Loud as voice in my head…

Ahhh!…

Quiet…quiet are you…I can sleep now…Your are finally quiet…no more whispers…no more cheers…no more humming…no more jeers…So this is what peace is like…I can see now…My mind is at rest…”yawn”…I am so tired…..”yawn”…I can now sleep

Fulfilled….

Often, I wonder if I ‘m doing what I’m suppose to do…

There is a nagging feeling that I was meant to do something else…..

That there was a calling for me to be “The One…That somebody..”

I don’t know what it is and this is what bothers me…

Believe me I’m grateful for all I have and appreciate all I have been given and done…But I can’t help but feel that emptiness…

So I search…

I look and try different things…but haven’t put my finger on it yet….

As I make my mark, I want to be able to say, “I live a fulfilled life“…

Then I look at what I have and realize it’s about as fulfilled as it gonna be…

I have a remarkable wife…wonderful kids….and a very supportive bunch of family and friends…

I have been blessed with good health…

And though I do have aches and pains…they are not life threatening….

So if I would died today…though I would be sad that I didn’t get to fulfill all my hopes and dreams…I wouldn’t be totally sad…

I would be able to tell whom ever I saw in the afterlife that I have lived and I am Doughnut….

That I have left behind several people that I am proud of…

 

I am proud of my Sweet Tart…She have endured a lot of hardship, aches, pains, some self brought, but most brought to her.. She endured and played the cards she was dealt…Often I have seen the tears flow from her cheeks and want to stop what caused them, but I could not…I have also watched as she gave me gifts that no other could…the gift of life…each time this occurred, it brought me closure to her and also made me glad she choose me..

 

I am proud of my eldest…though I try to teach her life lesson, she often teaches me….I am not the most affectionate person, but she have taught me how to receive a hug a day and enjoy the embrace…I have learned that my words do hold value and strikes deep…especially in the eyes of one that love you so…I have great dreams for her and regardless of what she becomes in life…I know it will be a great

 

I am proud of son…I recall the day he was born…I was proud and truly understood what my father meant when he reminisced on the day that I was given life…I didn’t celebrate the same way…but I felt the same…I know I’m hard on him and quite often he feels that I don’t care…But I do and with every challenge I’m pushing him to be what he want to be…a man

 

I am proud of my middle girl…she is quite young now and still developing…she may feel that I’m not watching but I am…I’m observing her style, be intellect, her wit…traits I see in her mother…I know she will do great in life and though she will suffer some due to the cruelness of the world…she will be strong, endure and rise to the top…

 

I am proud of my baby girl…she is quite the combination…I am enjoying her development…her way of absorbing life around her and enjoying it…each new sound, taste, and smell…I watch as she processes it…how quickly she have learned to control her environment…These things I am proud of…these things I know are signs of great things to come…

 

I often talk about death because it’s one of those things that surly will occur…But for each day my Sweet Tart and Doughnut Holes live, is a day I die…but death isn’t scary when your surrounded by those who really love you… for being you.

“YAWN”…seem like I slept to long and not only missed Monday, but Tuesday as well…Hmm, so I will try and catch with the times…So let’s pretend that it’s Monday and time for a Doughnut Dozen…Since I was a sleepy head, I was thinking about things that dealt with sleep…

  1. Bedding…Now since the dawn of time or least as far back as I can recall, bedding have been a requirement for a decent sleep. Now this have ranged from a rock, twigs and leaves to Temper-Pedic.. But me, bedding is only as good as the “fun” factor
  2. Fun…I like fun in the bed, on top of the bed, next to the bed, away from the bed, even hanging off the bed…but there are other ways to have fun with your bed…Like Jumping on it…better when your smaller, but can work when your large…wrestling with the Doughnut holes on the bed is always fun…They will jump on me and beat me up some, but playing with them is priceless
  3. Covering…I’m a sound but light sleeper…I snore (least I’m told, plus my throat is often sore and dry in the morning) and I can hear things throughout the night that interfere with my sleep. However, I love a warm cozy bed, not sweaty, but warm enough that you could sleep nakie and not worry bout chilly toes or other tender parts. A great covering I have found to be is a general, cotton comforter stuff with the polyester quilt batting, coupled with  200 to 400 thread count flat and fitted sheets, and on a cool night a wool blanket can also help keep off Jack Frost…Oh! Having a heat generator in the bed beside a helps a lot to keep thing nice and cozy
  4. Head Rest AKA Pillow…We use to use rocks…I never used one, but I have used my Kevlar helmet as one when I was out in the field…But that is  another thing…Now I sleep either with two pillows, flattened by years of uses…or on my arm. Why? I don’t know but I do…I also like cuddling when I’m in need of some reassurance…those pillows are soft too, but often interfere with slept…least immediate sleep
  5. Relaxing…Watching television, reading written literature, or playing a card game with the family is also a good use for the bed and can lead to sleep
  6. Dreaming…This occur more often then not during sleep, which happens mostly in bed…but a good dream doesn’t have to happen there…I have had great dreams occur while I was driving or listening to someone who I wasn’t really interested in…I hate to admit it, but those are usually the best ones, as I was able to escape reality for a brief moment and enjoy something new
  7.  “Good” Sleep…You will know what I’m referring to if you have experienced this…and if not…I feel sorry for you…It’s that sleep that you find yourself suddenly awaken from, and you find yourself whipping the side of your face, removing drool with the back of your hand, while looking around to see if anyone noticed it…You will then stop and think…”Darn, that was a good____.”  You stretch, then return to your previous activity
  8. Sleep Attire….Some call these P. J’s. pajamas, jam jams, nite, nite clothes, lingerie, or birthday suits…They come in different, sizes, made of different materials, and suits the individual…I feel this is truly a personal preference as I have slept in what I wore all day, as I was too tired to change or too spirited to care…I do feel the birthday suit is the best sleep…Why? Don’t really know, I just really started getting into the feel of material against my skin
  9. Amount…They say the amount of sleep varies…It’s according to your age, gender, culture, and experiences….I don’t know about others, but I function better on 7 to 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep…do I get that…Hell No!…I’m good if I get 5 hours…But I have adjusted and probably be one of the reason…that sneaky Death get me before I’m ready
  10. Fight…Yeah! Fighting…This is something I have learned to master since I was a kid. Fighting sleep is a required adult trait…least I think so…We fight it all the time. Either Fighting to stay awake, so we want loose what we value (work, life, love one-ever fell asleep on a date or worst during the game-that’s a big No! No! and a quick way to never get to play again), or fighting our offspring to “Go To Sleep” or as Samuel L. Jackson put it ever so gently while reading Adam Mansbach’s book…“Go the Fuck To Sleep.”
  11. Milk and Cookies….Hmm , I’m not a milk and cookies fan before bed, but I do get a snack before bed. Sometimes I have to get a Gatorade to replenish the nutrients lost during the game (the series works)…I don’t know why warm milk and cookies would put you to sleep…Hmmm…Maybe it’s the connection to the warm milk you would get while suckling as a babe…
  12. Position…I’m a side sleeper…I figure I rotate during the night like most people, but I will not knowing sleep on my back…This comes from a terrible experience of “witch riding“…it occurred to me when I was 13 years of age…I had fallen asleep and began to have my usual series of nightmares….but I had learned to control what occurs in my dreams so I was not getting killed, mutilated, and other horrible things. Also I learned,  when all else fail I could awaken…This particular night, I woke up as the dream went extremely wrong, but I could not get up…I was paralyzed from my shoulders down, while on my back…and the dream was continuing while I was awake…I called out for help but could not get any… and I could not move until morning (sun arose)..this was so traumatic that I altered my sleeping pattern…
  13. Music…I love music, the stronger the beat, the better to me…words…do have their place…but I’m about the music…during sleep, I love music playing in the background, soft jazz, new age music, low techno, a choral ensemble as long as the words are inaudible…otherwise they will interfere and become looped in my dreams…I know little kids love music as well for sleep…lullabies and some fall asleep with the sounds of the local radio station blasting…don’t think that’s too good for them but “eh”…to each their own…just leave mine alone

Well sleep is mini death…so enjoy each practice run…What are some things that you think of when sleep is the subject?

There are things worst than Death…for Death comes quickly…instantly…taking you from a world you know, whether it be real or imaginary…For no matter what man can offer…when Death comes, you will go…it can be delayed by some forces, but for sure you are born you will die…But why?

Why is it that Death comes?…Doesn’t it realize that there are worst things than it…

Like the pain that often comes before….that excruciating agony that grasp the body, actually causing the soul to shake within…wanting to escape the pain…or the cold, deafening cry of a love one when a great harm have occurred….this cry often is silenced but never after longing of the heart have left slow healing wounds…leaving scars…deep, deep within the soul…not to forget the thought of knowing…not only are you going to leave this Earth, but the thought that you will not get to accomplish any of the things you dreamed of doing…while gazing at the clouds as a child thinking about the future and what you would be when your grew up…And this did not occur because you done anything wrong or harmed anyone, but just because you were dealt a bad hand, the wrong gene combination…this too me is worst than Death

I feel there are things worst than Death…I watched…I learned…and concluded…that often death is the easy way out…too easy…suffering is the true punishment and this is often the case for those who want death…those who want Death’s sweet embrace…to end the pain, to stop the longing, to draw the curtains close on their misery…But then this is when Death will not come…or when Death arrive…it is delayed through means…forcing the individual to face the very existence they are trying to escape….this too me is worst than Death…

Living in a home where you are a thing and only a thing, not allowed to grow, to developed…least not in what you see on the brief television you see while he is asleep…you see the smiles, hear the noises, and watch the colors…you know that what he is doing is wrong, your not a thing…your a person, someone who should be loved, cared for and taught….you know some things…things that you shouldn’t know at your age…like how to make him go to sleep….how to keep him up…how to make sure he doesn’t hurt you anymore…by keeping quiet…for if you do it wrong…he makes you hurt…plenty days you wanted it to stop…want to go to sleep and not wake anymore…but the sleep doesn’t come…you awaken…feeling a need…feeling a urge to do things…Why? You don’t know…to me this is worst than Death

Sitting before you have family, friends, all laughing and enjoying themselves…it’s your party, you have been waiting for this day for a year….But why aren’t you happy? Why aren’t your jolly and appreciative of the people before you…Why? Maybe because these people really don’t know you…and they will never know you because you know they can’t accept you for who you truly feel you are…for years, now you have been trying to convince yourself that you were ok, that they were they weird ones for not accepting things like they should be…you even asked for Death to come…they thought it was due to the lost of your grandpa…little did they know it wasn’t that, but it was due to the burden of carrying this secret…the burden that you are living a lie and not being who you are….Why would you want to be here if you can not be who you felt you were…to love who you want, just as they do?…Well today you will continue to smile and play the part…but to me this is worst than Death

So if I had to choose how Death would meet me…I would want to sleep…take that long nap…for sleep is a mini Death….heart slows…breathing slows…and you dream…allowing you the opportunity to escape reality without the aids of substances…legal or not…sleep allows you to be in control…for your dreams are just that…Yours…Death can’t get you there, your mind…your body…your soul…However once awaken, Death can collect what’s due, and leave being he empty husk and disruptions and sorrow…which to me is worst than death…

A Chunk of Doughnut

The previous week was rough…death is a experience we all must go but most doesn’t want to face it. In tribute to the love I’ve I loss this past week…Doughnuts’ Dozen is about my dear Uncle..

  1. John…Hebrew meaning of God is Gracious…Was he gracious?  To me he was…He graciously told me how he felt about my family and this made me proud
  2. Short….Yes, he was height deficient like me…But that made him more special…As great men do come in small packages and size seven shoes
  3. Loud…I don’t know if it was in the genes or just the way he spoke, but his inside voice was equivalent to his outside voice
  4. Long wind…This was a blessing and a curse…Ever have to wait for a family dinner to start after a long winded person gave blessing?….Well lets say…you better not be too hungry…because you were going to wait; however listening to his stories were a great way to past times
  5. Landscaping…By trade means to  improve the aesthetic appearance…”Unc” was great at this and it was not just his ability to shape a hedge, but his ability to change your life once he spoke to you
  6. Eccentric….His style was one of a kind…and no matter how we wanted to change him from that ..brown polyester suit…he wouldn’t let it go…least not until he found his blue one
  7. Laughter…I have share many laughs at his expense…i.e. the traffic stop, but anyone hearing his laugh can not forget
  8. Nickname…He like most of the male is the family have a alias…His was  Chunk…Why? I don’t know…Didn’t learn his surname until I was an adult..
  9. Choice…We all will be faced with difficult choices in our life that will impact those around us…often don’t understand the ramification of our decision until it is too late….He chose…We lost
  10. Grey hairs….I was given the opportunity to shave him…many grey hairs to remove from his face…dry razor…no bumps…informed me he have been shaving like this for all his life…with each stroke I removed the sign of old age restoring him to his youthful appearance, but I could not remove the illness that was consuming him…if only I could
  11. One…His passing leaves only one…one male of the original 16..with generations to follow…but one male to carry the family name..
  12. Pious…He was a pious man, but not a fanatic…this I could respect as religion have it ‘s place in everyone’s life…and the belief for some is more important than other…but like he told me before I left me…”Doughnut, Give God his time, for this his how your blessings will come”
  13. Insight…thank you Uncle Chunk as you have provide me with many found memories, words of wisdom, and insight about life…you can rest now, no more pain or suffering, and you will not be forgotten