Tag Archive: feelings


Am I..Nope..I’m A Doughnut

 

Am I a dreamer for wanting things to be fair?

Am I a little delusional for wanting life to be free?

Am I off my rocker for loving things that are a little weird?

Am I offensive for wishing people could just expand gas in public and embrace it?

Am I the One who should be stoned if I feel a higher being does not exist?

Am I demon possessed if I like the same sex?

Am I filled with gas if I feel that the world is going to H-E Double L in a hand basket?

Am I spazzed out if I feel everyone..I mean everyone deserve the right to be human to their level of understanding?

Am I a moron if I hope that the aliens don’t eat my brain with they come in 2012 so I wear a aluminum helmet because aliens are allergic to it…so I believe

Either way I don’t care Cause I’m ME…Round, jaded, holey, and sprinkle free…and as long as I’m Happy I can be free..

Anyway… who wouldn’t think a talking Doughnut is interesting anyway

Cause a Doughnut Has a Hole

Deep, dark thoughts bother me today…Don’t know why, but they do….I haven’t felt this way in a while and my hole has increased in size…engulfing me as I wonder around…Why? I don’t know…least this is what I tell myself…I felt I did something wrong…something I’ll pay for…Something THAT I can’t change, now even if I wanted to…I must learn to forgive myself…to let things go, no matter how much it troubles me…

I always felt it would be easy to take the life of another…the power would be invigorating, quite intoxicating…But this was not the feeling…Not the feeling I have…I have regret…I feel sorrow…and no matter how I rationalize what I have done, I can’t justify the actions I took…I have altered something that I cannot fix, I can never undo the harm I have caused….even though it was commanded of me…

Doughnuts are suppose to be sweet, a pleasure for those to eat…and only if you consume too many or have some ill wanted allergy reaction to wheat flour would they cause harm…and definitely not suppose to kill…However, there are times when it does happen…and WHAT’S A DOUGHNUT SUPPOSE TO DO?  WHY is it? I hate this, but it has happened…and now I will live with it…

“It wasn’t my fault”…I tell myself…”the bagel brought this upon itself”….”It understood if it was presented on display, it would be eaten or discarded like all the other stale, unwanted, undercooked pastries”…but it was my job to protect, to prevent this from happening…but NO!!   I was the mouth piece…the spokesman for Death…Damn! I hate being used…

But now, I must embrace it…stand firm on my deed and not allow this to bother me….to force me in consuming the poison…the nectar of the demons…Right?…Who wants a soggy Doughnut?….or maybe a toxic Doughnut is easier to swallow…either way I’m gonna have to make this right somehow…but how?

So As I sit here, chicken peckin’ at the keys, inscribing my thoughts, so that others can judge me, I feel that I know what I must do…Shed a tear? NO! Doughnuts don’t cry….Pledge to always support the Bagel…Naw, that would be a lie and something I really don’t want to commit too…Maybe take this as a lesson of what I won’t ever do again…Sounds more like it…for every event…affects the hole, the cream filling, and the voices in my head…So touché you sneaky bastard..Go back to your little hole…and stop fucking with me today…it’s not my fault…and this feeling I have shouldn’t be mine only to feel…not my burden to carry as I was doing as I was told and Doughnut has a hole

Doughnut’s Liver and Onion

Ok… I talked about Liver and Onion on yesterday, but I have not introduced them formally…..Well since Me mom actually provided me with some home training (manners), I’ll do this now…

 

Liver is well you know that large organ in your body…actually the only exposed one in your internal system…He is very rich in minerals, a great filter and without it you will die…pretty painful actually….So the Liver I’m referring to is that one…My Liver is sick…really sick and must be replaced…after years of filtering, way too much alcohol, social drugs, and other stuff… compounded with a mean bug caught in the process…my Liver is dying….The Liver have recognized it’s mistakes and finally came to term to its fate, but that doesn’t mean that it will be any easier for me…because being replaced is never easy and there is no way not to take it personal…so it’s behavior is expected…

 

Now Onion is the just that an Onion…it makes you cry when it burst open, but it also goes great with Liver…the many layers often prevent you from reaching it soft tender shoots, but this is eased by peeling the layers back, though they take a little work it worth it…Often Onion causes tears, indigestion, and many trips to the bathroom, but I would not have it any other way, because without Onion I would not still have my Liver…Liver feel in love with Onion and want let go…others have tried to persuade them…others have tried to tear them apart…but you can’t and I don’t try….

 

I have been dealing more with Liver and Onion since Liver’s sickness and we now understand that the journey were on is ours…we want others’ help and will take it, but receive only a few assist along the way…This frustrates me as I’m not ready to lose Liver as I just found it and it would be SO unfair it that happens…

 

Well Hope this helps as  I talk about them…and If not ask..or just keep reading as I post…you’ll get to know them just as I have…One hour at a time…

Oww!! Oww!! .being in the oven for two weeks make you burn…Two Mondays have come and gone…but the Today I have a dozen that was inspired by the trips I had today…Doughnut, Liver and Onions (I’ll explain later) went on trip and I have come to the realization that often, we are placed in people lives for a reason…Mine to be the support for others…theirs to give me a reason to be there…Today’s dozen fresh out of the oven is about this journey and some feeling associated with it…see if you agree..

  1. Duty…Several people I saw today had that same look I had when I arrived at the destination…the look of “Boy, if you weren’t my (fill in the blank) I wouldn’t be here.”  No matter how much we “love” each other sometimes we do things just because it’s our duty
  2. Love…this emotions have caused wars, courageous acts, inspirations, and emotional devastation…I do love them, yes I do…for the things I have put up with… how could I not
  3. Patience…it takes a lot…a mean a truck load of patience to deal with Liver and Onion…though I enjoy it sometime…too much will drive anyone to an upset stomach
  4. Laughter…I do this often with them…sometimes due to the stories they say, often to keep my sanity as often very jaded thoughts try to escape…and that would not be a good thing
  5. Expectations…I am often the one who is expected to do what is right, to stop the mixture, but to allow them to stir as well, to drive them around…and around…and around..Why can’t I do what is wrong sometimes?
  6. Disappointment….This is a long journey I am traveling on and though I receive support from Sweet Tart and others….I’m still disappointed in my siblings response to the matter…Am I wrong to expect them to care even though Liver wasn’t there?
  7. Curious…I am often curious of why others are there….what is wrong with their parts? What’s missing from them? Guess I want know unless I ask…but then I’m breaking privacy laws right?
  8. Embarrassment…The Onion does this quite often…I have came to term that Onion does not have a clue that others are listening or just doesn’t care….because the stories told during lunch are quite personal, but what’s expected from someone who peels so easily?
  9. Hunger…I hunger for more…hunger for food and knowledge as I want to be able to provide what they need…I often have to digest, regurgitate and feed it to them both, but that my job right?
  10. Children…often Liver and Onion acts as children…I gave them a simple task today…”be quiet while I listen to my radio show”…how long did that last…hmm…let’s say about 10mins out of a hour show….I laughed out loud while I cried a little inside
  11. Late…today we were not late…Yeah!!…I had to leave 1 hour and a half before the scheduled travel time for that to occur though…and the appointment still was delayed…least this time it wasn’t their fault
  12. Discrimination…You know I have come to realize, today I saw just as many sick doughnuts, as I saw bagels…It’s comforting to know that all pastries suffer the same fate…death
  13. Strength…I will need this for this long road ahead…though the burden shall be hard and I do have great support from home…I pray I will be able to continue this and the Liver and Onion will be ok…And if not, I’ll know I have did my best, gave it my all, and will be able to sleep at night..

 

So what would you do? What would you add to the list?

Cold Nights No More…

I’m Cold mama”, I said while shivering next to her on the back porch…

It was cold…and no matter how hard she tried, the cotton pajamas were not enough to keep me warm on the chilly, winter, night…the sky was full and the stars were shining bright. She was cold too as I could tell, she shivered and drew me close to her…

He will let us in, he’s just upset,” she stated while trying to provide hope for what appeared to be a hopeless situation…

The wind blew and we both drew closer to each other….this was not the first time we have sat outside together….wondering, waiting ..for him…he had no idea what he was doing to me…to her…they say what don’t kill you, make you stronger, and to some extent I believe it to be true…but what I have learned is…it May not kill you, but I really can fuck with your mind…tear that shit right apart…causing misfiring, chemical leaks and all kinda bizarre stuff to happen…and the sad thing about it is that…this can occur at any age…

That night, the wind appeared to be a little colder, the pajamas a little thinner….and she was appeared to be a tired…tired of his craziness…tired of his lies…tired of his bad choices…and tired of living with them…Now with some people when they get tired just want to roll over and sleep…not to be bothered, while others choose to do nothing when tiredness occur…But not her…she took the tiredness and dug deep within…she was gonna make this stop…No one was going to get her way…No one would stop her from getting out of the hell hole she was in….

I watched her stand up…”Get up boy”, she reached for my hand…I took hers and followed her…The wind still blowing, but this time it was against our backs…A chill crawled down my spine…causing me to draw closer to her as we walked…

Where we going Mama,” I asked…

We’re getting out of this cold, son“, she replied ” Can’t have you catching cold and We’re not waiting on him anymore. If he want us he will have to find us“…

Not knowing where she would go next, I followed her…Why not? she was my Mama…

We walked for a while, then she approached a house, knocked on the door… and she spoke with the lady…”Why sure you can come in, get out of the cold, he know better than that“…

Go sit down,” I was instructed to do…I found a nice comfy warm spot and sat down…the house was warm, so warm…”I remember being here before“, I thought…”Yes,” yawn…”this was”…yawn….I was tired…so tired..

Wake up!…Wake Up Boy!,”  it was a familiar voice, and a familiar face…I yawned and stood up…”Yes , Mama..” I looked around and saw my familiar things, my bed, my toys, my stuff…”How I get here,”  I thought to myself…

She was smiling, “Get dressed time for school“…

Ah! school,”  I thought to myself…”the one place I could be safe, safe from him”“That is true,”  I faintly heard…someone say…I looked around and did not see anyone,

“Ok!?”…I quickly got dressed, ate breakfast and headed to school….

Now did she remove me from that situation, nope, she remained there for several more years…producing more offspring, Why? I don’t know, but I do know that we never sat outside in the cold anymore…So whatever snapped in her mind…he must have recognized it

Fulfilled….

Often, I wonder if I ‘m doing what I’m suppose to do…

There is a nagging feeling that I was meant to do something else…..

That there was a calling for me to be “The One…That somebody..”

I don’t know what it is and this is what bothers me…

Believe me I’m grateful for all I have and appreciate all I have been given and done…But I can’t help but feel that emptiness…

So I search…

I look and try different things…but haven’t put my finger on it yet….

As I make my mark, I want to be able to say, “I live a fulfilled life“…

Then I look at what I have and realize it’s about as fulfilled as it gonna be…

I have a remarkable wife…wonderful kids….and a very supportive bunch of family and friends…

I have been blessed with good health…

And though I do have aches and pains…they are not life threatening….

So if I would died today…though I would be sad that I didn’t get to fulfill all my hopes and dreams…I wouldn’t be totally sad…

I would be able to tell whom ever I saw in the afterlife that I have lived and I am Doughnut….

That I have left behind several people that I am proud of…

 

I am proud of my Sweet Tart…She have endured a lot of hardship, aches, pains, some self brought, but most brought to her.. She endured and played the cards she was dealt…Often I have seen the tears flow from her cheeks and want to stop what caused them, but I could not…I have also watched as she gave me gifts that no other could…the gift of life…each time this occurred, it brought me closure to her and also made me glad she choose me..

 

I am proud of my eldest…though I try to teach her life lesson, she often teaches me….I am not the most affectionate person, but she have taught me how to receive a hug a day and enjoy the embrace…I have learned that my words do hold value and strikes deep…especially in the eyes of one that love you so…I have great dreams for her and regardless of what she becomes in life…I know it will be a great

 

I am proud of son…I recall the day he was born…I was proud and truly understood what my father meant when he reminisced on the day that I was given life…I didn’t celebrate the same way…but I felt the same…I know I’m hard on him and quite often he feels that I don’t care…But I do and with every challenge I’m pushing him to be what he want to be…a man

 

I am proud of my middle girl…she is quite young now and still developing…she may feel that I’m not watching but I am…I’m observing her style, be intellect, her wit…traits I see in her mother…I know she will do great in life and though she will suffer some due to the cruelness of the world…she will be strong, endure and rise to the top…

 

I am proud of my baby girl…she is quite the combination…I am enjoying her development…her way of absorbing life around her and enjoying it…each new sound, taste, and smell…I watch as she processes it…how quickly she have learned to control her environment…These things I am proud of…these things I know are signs of great things to come…

 

I often talk about death because it’s one of those things that surly will occur…But for each day my Sweet Tart and Doughnut Holes live, is a day I die…but death isn’t scary when your surrounded by those who really love you… for being you.

Today’s Monday and I was riding to work and I got this inner desire to Blog of what makes me Happy…Should be a easy thing to write about…I have five things at home I can think about…but lets do this The Jadedoughnut’s way…So today’s list is about Jade Happiness

  1. Jumping on the bed, I enjoy this more when I watch my little ones do this….The giggles and smiles makes me warm and fuzzy….unfortunately for them, I don’t like warm and fuzzy on the days they are jumping on MY bed…so I make them stop…chasing them away…Some fall…now that’s funny
  2. All the love I receive from those who read my blog post…Oh wait… it’s only a few, but I do love those followers…makes me tingle to open my mail and see [New Comment] notification…hmm I need more followers…SO go tell your folks about me…I want bite…I promise
  3. Doughnuts…Why would you think they named me Doughnut…if they didn’t make me happy…I practice cannibalism cause I eat them often…But hey, I do consume their distance relatives…Cinnamon bun, Sweet tart, and Honey bun
  4. Eggs make me happy…But hard boiled ones…right out of the pot are the best…Some thing about the hot yolk is sooo delicious…the sides effects…Aren’t too bad, except when I give the Sweet Tart a turtle….
  5. Hollering…The release if frustration by Yelling is invigorating and satisfying…When combining this with obscenities…Whoa!!!…What a rush…Only bad thing about this is you can find yourself with unwanted attention if practiced in front of the wrong people…But try it…”note” I am not responsible for the side effects
  6. Asking Questions…I am inquisitive so I am going to ask…If not to you to myself…Why is such a powerful word…If you disagree, tell me…Why?
  7. People make me happy…just by being there…I am a reaction junkie as well, and the more people I can get a reaction from the better it is…it’s like a buzz after a nice strong drink…you’re feeling well but not sick..
  8. Private parts…well more specific, female private parts…I spent some many years trying to get to know them…and it was worth it…Now I have parts I can play with often; however, doesn’t mean I don’t like others as well….Just to look at though.. NO Touching!!…Nothing wrong with a little eye candy….yum
  9. I know this may seem a little weird, but every time the Sweet Tart developed a bubble…I got happy…I was like…”Yeah, I did that”….Probably not the right thing to do, but hey some times you have to pat yourself on the back…
  10. Not getting a disease…I value my health and I have a strong dislike for sick people (I have improved…I use to hate them)…This is something I really am working on as I don’t want to be the one who puts their love one away cause they get some thing that they had not control over…Every day I don’t have something I am happy
  11. Everyone in my household…I am Happy to have my  Sweet Tart, the Doughnut Holes, the Stupid but clever dogs, my fishes, finches, and turtle…I am happy to have them, but not happy to take care of them…I wish I had someone else to do that…”sigh” This is life..
  12. Suckers are made everyday, and the bigger the sucker the happier I am…they come in different flavors, sizes, and shapes…some are solid, some hollow…others are filled with things which don’t bother me…only thing that do is that I have noticed is they don’t make them like the use too…Maybe the economy have something to do with this also…or the President…He gets the blame for everything else…
  13. Sadness…well others sadness not mine…the pain of others often cause me great happiness, especially if I have invested my time with you, given you what you wanted, listened to your problems, given you advices as well as allowed you the opportunity to bounce your silly ideas off of me…I did those things caused I truly care, then you go and do something idiotic and moronic…then expect for me to be sad because you are suffering…Oh! NO!!…It’s more like…”Ha…Ha…and Hah…HAH…”snort”…and Hah Hah some more…I hate those who waste my time as my time is something  I really hold dear to me…So enjoy your well due suffering and I’ll enjoy the taste of your tears…as they are a sweet delicacy..

 

Well those are a few things that make me happy…What about you? Share please….

There are things worst than Death…for Death comes quickly…instantly…taking you from a world you know, whether it be real or imaginary…For no matter what man can offer…when Death comes, you will go…it can be delayed by some forces, but for sure you are born you will die…But why?

Why is it that Death comes?…Doesn’t it realize that there are worst things than it…

Like the pain that often comes before….that excruciating agony that grasp the body, actually causing the soul to shake within…wanting to escape the pain…or the cold, deafening cry of a love one when a great harm have occurred….this cry often is silenced but never after longing of the heart have left slow healing wounds…leaving scars…deep, deep within the soul…not to forget the thought of knowing…not only are you going to leave this Earth, but the thought that you will not get to accomplish any of the things you dreamed of doing…while gazing at the clouds as a child thinking about the future and what you would be when your grew up…And this did not occur because you done anything wrong or harmed anyone, but just because you were dealt a bad hand, the wrong gene combination…this too me is worst than Death

I feel there are things worst than Death…I watched…I learned…and concluded…that often death is the easy way out…too easy…suffering is the true punishment and this is often the case for those who want death…those who want Death’s sweet embrace…to end the pain, to stop the longing, to draw the curtains close on their misery…But then this is when Death will not come…or when Death arrive…it is delayed through means…forcing the individual to face the very existence they are trying to escape….this too me is worst than Death…

Living in a home where you are a thing and only a thing, not allowed to grow, to developed…least not in what you see on the brief television you see while he is asleep…you see the smiles, hear the noises, and watch the colors…you know that what he is doing is wrong, your not a thing…your a person, someone who should be loved, cared for and taught….you know some things…things that you shouldn’t know at your age…like how to make him go to sleep….how to keep him up…how to make sure he doesn’t hurt you anymore…by keeping quiet…for if you do it wrong…he makes you hurt…plenty days you wanted it to stop…want to go to sleep and not wake anymore…but the sleep doesn’t come…you awaken…feeling a need…feeling a urge to do things…Why? You don’t know…to me this is worst than Death

Sitting before you have family, friends, all laughing and enjoying themselves…it’s your party, you have been waiting for this day for a year….But why aren’t you happy? Why aren’t your jolly and appreciative of the people before you…Why? Maybe because these people really don’t know you…and they will never know you because you know they can’t accept you for who you truly feel you are…for years, now you have been trying to convince yourself that you were ok, that they were they weird ones for not accepting things like they should be…you even asked for Death to come…they thought it was due to the lost of your grandpa…little did they know it wasn’t that, but it was due to the burden of carrying this secret…the burden that you are living a lie and not being who you are….Why would you want to be here if you can not be who you felt you were…to love who you want, just as they do?…Well today you will continue to smile and play the part…but to me this is worst than Death

So if I had to choose how Death would meet me…I would want to sleep…take that long nap…for sleep is a mini Death….heart slows…breathing slows…and you dream…allowing you the opportunity to escape reality without the aids of substances…legal or not…sleep allows you to be in control…for your dreams are just that…Yours…Death can’t get you there, your mind…your body…your soul…However once awaken, Death can collect what’s due, and leave being he empty husk and disruptions and sorrow…which to me is worst than death…

I was riding along today listening to my favorite show (NPR) and I overheard the “New Parenting Phenomena”…Parenting older children?  And I thought really? Older children…I know about babies, toddlers, children, tweenies, and teenagers, but older adults…you got to be kidding me…I listen closer and then it was explained they were referring to 20+ year olds who move back home with their parents due to whatever situation (mostly economical).  Now I  was like…Whoa…WTF…As a male parent, once we get them out, we feel that we have done our job, but now they are saying we have to then master parenting them when they return…Boy! This job does not EVER end!…I was So looking forward in handing my youngest (she is only 16 months) the boot when she crossed the stage at graduation…prepared to change the locks on the door and all…I couldn’t wait until I was able to enjoy roaming around in the nude and chasing the sweet tart around if I felt like it…Not worrying about saying the right thing, answering stupid repetitive questions, feeding them the right thing, ensuring the bills were paid, clothing were bought for them, that they go to school, and past their grades, dealing with teacher, coaches, band instructors, church members, or any other important figure, and listening to their complaints about what I have not bought them, gave them, for what I have said to them or just because they wanted to…Now I have to go and look for more information on this subject…so when they do return, I can be prepared…

 

What happened to “The get out of my house” parenting…I experienced…or if “you leave you better not come back” unless you have my grandkids mentality (learned that also)…

 

Parenting a young adult…Is this even possible?…As a young adult you suppose to mess up, ruin your credit, get drunk and find yourself in the bed with someone whose name you don’t quite remember, catch a none life threatening STD, get a speeding ticket, chase the opposite sex and when you finally catch them realize you better let that one go because it’s really better to watch it swim then it eat it, to say some things that you really would regret because crow also taste better in the morning after a night or regretful sleep, to loose your mind and maybe your virginity if your too loose, to learn ways in getting into situations as well of out of them without getting caught.

 

These things grow you up…force you to make mature decisions after you have surly made dumb ones…they often, is what bring you back home to your parents or a responsible adult who can provide you with guidance and a little tough love, a cold shower, or a warm couch to sleep on. ..but if you are home…you can’t do these things…least if you did, I feel it would not be the same…There are some things I don’t want my parents to know I did, they taught me better, and I know of these activities would really disappoint them if they found out…

 

But the broadcast, then go on to explain that your older children can also teach the parent…Sure…I bet they can…but whose parent really gonna listen? And if they do, do you honestly feel they will follow the lesson plan?…I know parenting is a very important job, and one should always be prepared to adjust, learn and move forward with the times; but shit there comes a time when enough is enough…I’m more on the line of…OK, I’ll give you a few months to get back on your feet, but remember it was fun making you and I’ll get the same enjoyment erasing you…regardless of your age, sexual orientation, gender, religious affiliation, health status, or social standing…so be in the house by curfew, go to church on Sundays, and follow MY rules (don’t act like your forgot)…or don’t let the door hit ya, where the Good Lord split ya..