Tag Archive: random thoughts


Am I..Nope..I’m A Doughnut

 

Am I a dreamer for wanting things to be fair?

Am I a little delusional for wanting life to be free?

Am I off my rocker for loving things that are a little weird?

Am I offensive for wishing people could just expand gas in public and embrace it?

Am I the One who should be stoned if I feel a higher being does not exist?

Am I demon possessed if I like the same sex?

Am I filled with gas if I feel that the world is going to H-E Double L in a hand basket?

Am I spazzed out if I feel everyone..I mean everyone deserve the right to be human to their level of understanding?

Am I a moron if I hope that the aliens don’t eat my brain with they come in 2012 so I wear a aluminum helmet because aliens are allergic to it…so I believe

Either way I don’t care Cause I’m ME…Round, jaded, holey, and sprinkle free…and as long as I’m Happy I can be free..

Anyway… who wouldn’t think a talking Doughnut is interesting anyway

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Cause a Doughnut Has a Hole

Deep, dark thoughts bother me today…Don’t know why, but they do….I haven’t felt this way in a while and my hole has increased in size…engulfing me as I wonder around…Why? I don’t know…least this is what I tell myself…I felt I did something wrong…something I’ll pay for…Something THAT I can’t change, now even if I wanted to…I must learn to forgive myself…to let things go, no matter how much it troubles me…

I always felt it would be easy to take the life of another…the power would be invigorating, quite intoxicating…But this was not the feeling…Not the feeling I have…I have regret…I feel sorrow…and no matter how I rationalize what I have done, I can’t justify the actions I took…I have altered something that I cannot fix, I can never undo the harm I have caused….even though it was commanded of me…

Doughnuts are suppose to be sweet, a pleasure for those to eat…and only if you consume too many or have some ill wanted allergy reaction to wheat flour would they cause harm…and definitely not suppose to kill…However, there are times when it does happen…and WHAT’S A DOUGHNUT SUPPOSE TO DO?  WHY is it? I hate this, but it has happened…and now I will live with it…

“It wasn’t my fault”…I tell myself…”the bagel brought this upon itself”….”It understood if it was presented on display, it would be eaten or discarded like all the other stale, unwanted, undercooked pastries”…but it was my job to protect, to prevent this from happening…but NO!!   I was the mouth piece…the spokesman for Death…Damn! I hate being used…

But now, I must embrace it…stand firm on my deed and not allow this to bother me….to force me in consuming the poison…the nectar of the demons…Right?…Who wants a soggy Doughnut?….or maybe a toxic Doughnut is easier to swallow…either way I’m gonna have to make this right somehow…but how?

So As I sit here, chicken peckin’ at the keys, inscribing my thoughts, so that others can judge me, I feel that I know what I must do…Shed a tear? NO! Doughnuts don’t cry….Pledge to always support the Bagel…Naw, that would be a lie and something I really don’t want to commit too…Maybe take this as a lesson of what I won’t ever do again…Sounds more like it…for every event…affects the hole, the cream filling, and the voices in my head…So touché you sneaky bastard..Go back to your little hole…and stop fucking with me today…it’s not my fault…and this feeling I have shouldn’t be mine only to feel…not my burden to carry as I was doing as I was told and Doughnut has a hole

Ever sit and think about the amount of time that past…each second, minute, hour, and day…

Time only is as important as the person that keeping it…for a second can be forever, while a day is a mere thought…

Time became an important subject for me today as I confront my inner self…The Jaded One…

Often engaging in conversations with him can be quite the trip…for he is an elusive one he is…always trying to get me into trouble…through means that I have picked up by dealing with others…like today….

I was doing my regular thing, working, talking to myself and watching the words appear on the screen when he start his mischief…

JD: So whatcha doing?

RD: You know what I’m doing…don’t start with me today

JD: What do you mean? I haven’t did anything…only asked a question..

RD:I know that, but your questions lead to other things…last time you asked a question I ended up in trouble and I’m not looking for that today…so leave me be..

JD: Wow! Can’t even ask a question now days without it starting a war with you…you know your such a jerk sometimes..

RD: Jerk?! I’m not a jerk I just don’t have time for your foolishness today…I have a deadline and no one is hear to bother me…so go away!

JD:..OK!, Ok!..

RD: you gone…

JD:……..

RD: Good…now where was I?

JD: talking about that lady you saw the other day…

RD: What?!!  I was talking about some lady….Shit! Now I just dictated that…

JD: “Laughs”

RD: That shit isn’t funny…Leave me be!…I told you I have a deadline to make….

JD: She was a work wasn’t she?

RD: Huh? Whatcha talking about

JD: That lady? The one from yesterday..

RD: What are you talking about…I told you I have not seen a lady the other day

JD: Oh…Maybe it was a man then..

RD: “Ha, Whateva” I got to get back to work..

JD: Yeah! Whateva… I got betta things to do…Talk to you lata sucka…”laugher trails off”

RD: Sucka…Wait!….Damn, he gone and left ..Oh well, now I can get some work done…

What time is it…”looking at the clock on the screen”…What?!! 11:32am..it was just 9:15am..Where all my time go….

JD: “Snickers”..

Sleep For The Restless Mind….

AHH!!!!….

Stop talking to me…I am tired of hearing you…I can hear what you want…I know what you desire…But I don’t care…I don’t want to do this anymore…fighting you, I quickly learned is impossible…so I quieted you…I quieted your loud, obnoxious, spine chilling voice…each word spoken cause my inner ear to bleed…I can now taste it in the back of my throat….

STOP!! IT!!!…

You can’t persuade me…You can’t trick me either…I have learned…I maybe crazy, but I not a fool…Life is too short, people DO love me…I know this regardless of what you say…I AM worth something…

NO!!!!…

It’s not too late…I can still find hope and desire…I know who I am…and you do not….I am NOT hated….I am NOT ugly and I’m NOT fat….There are people who feel that YOU are the one who is wrong…YOU are the one who needs the help…the medication…NOT I…Cause, they hear you as well…they can see you as I do…you can not hide behind that smile…They have figured you out…

WAIT!!!!…

Don’t go…I need you…I am so alone without you….Please come back…I won’t say those hurtful things anymore…I promise to do better, to love you and obey you…I will be there when you need me…to listen when you speak…and follow your every word…laugh when I should…and cry when expected too…Please don’t go…I NEED you…

DIE!!!…

I’m glad your dead…glad the maggots will feast on your body…I wished I were the one who caused your demise…I wished I was there to watch your last breathe leave your body so that I could catch it on film and watch it on repeat…To capture your tears and taste them…I Hate you so…Death was too good for you…pain and suffering should have been your reward for your deeds…not the sweet embrace of death…DAMN!!! I WAS CHEATED!!!….WHY???…What have I done to deserve this…wasn’t I good enough…I paid my dues…I gave to charities…I did what was right…but ALL I get is pain, suffering and this Loud as voice in my head…

Ahhh!…

Quiet…quiet are you…I can sleep now…Your are finally quiet…no more whispers…no more cheers…no more humming…no more jeers…So this is what peace is like…I can see now…My mind is at rest…”yawn”…I am so tired…..”yawn”…I can now sleep

Thoughts…

Something been bothering me lately, and I know I shouldn’t let things do this, but I do….I have been following our political process lately  and watching the atmosphere surrounding our presidents reelection process…It appears that no matter how bad I want things to be better….the “Isms” always show their ugly heads…I would think after all this time, people would have gotten over things, but I what I have learned is  that the undo hatred is there and a part of our culture…Bagels hate doughnuts, while crème filled doughnuts dislike glazed ones….all are tasty but who gives a damn about that…It appears that as long as people have a way to make things appear that they are better than the next person, they will do their best to do this…Stupid…to me it is…the time and energy it takes for one to dislike the other, they could be making a new friend or learning something new…life is so short, a few bites and we are all gone…becoming the nutrients of the new life…so why worry about what the bagel have or what type of filling the doughnut have and just be ourselves…Look deep within yourself and see if you are guilty of this stupid behavior and quit….learn to like all pastries…big or small…stuffed or hollow…baked or fried….black or white…they all eat the same and come out the same also…

I’m Tired of it All

I’m tired of the way things are going for me…I want to be you…or least until I’m you

I’m tired of the days getting shorter and the nights getting longer…I don’t want to sleep…that means I have to start over

I’m tired of the voices in my head arguing on who I should hurt first

I’m tired of the repetitive food I must eat over and over…even if I prepare something new I’m still eating the same stuff…beef, chicken, fish, or pork

I’m tired of the fussing over who should get healthcare and who shouldn’t…I don’t like sick people…so let’s make them all well

I’m tired of deadlines-so what if it’s late it’s done…God Damn It!

I’m tired of the whispers….I can’t hear you so speak the Fuck Up!

I’m tired of the same clothes that I have to wear cause I can’t find something that fit me…And when it does it’s the wrong color

I’m tired of rules about how I do shit and I didn’t have a say so in the development

I’m tired of everyone blaming the President for their problems…if he could have fixed it, wouldn’t it be fixed by now?

I’m tired of doomsday forecast…let the end be a surprise…that’s way no one will be prepared…Who made you special?

I’m tired of no one actually caring how I feel if they ask ” How are you doing today?” and before I can answer…the inconsiderate jerks walk off

I’m tired of paying for basic necessities…It Basic. So it should be free!…or least cheap

I’m tired of people wanting me to work hard for nothing and then complain when I do a half-ass job…pay me more if you want more…You get what you pay for

I’m tired of games that cost to play, but then won’t take my form of payment

I’m tired of stores with No shoe, no shirt no services signs…So if I wear shoes and a shirt But No PANTS can I get serviced?

I’m tired of reading or seeing people making a big deal out of nothing important….so what if (insert name here) is pregnant or received a DUI or entered rehab…A lot of people do that…talk about when (enter name here) have really HELPED someone..

I’m tired of my Jack Russell running around looking when I just took her out…NO we’re not chasing the neighbor’s cat for the hundredth time

I’m tired of writing so I’m gonna stop

Well I was summoned for jury duty…I have been voting for years and thought this day would never come….to be able to serve my fellow community and to put the bad guys or girls away….Now this should be a great experience right? To be selected to the job, to listen to other people screw ups, and judge them, while getting paid to do so….but then I thought?  Hmmm…I get to do that every day…well least 5 days out of the week so this is not a great thing…NO real privilege…BAh!!…I don’t want to do this…What if the person knows me…or his kin-folks know who I am?…They can come look for me and hurt me…I don’t want that…What if I’m the guy that hold up the verdict…cause I like to believe that I’m fair in my judgment and want to know Why…the person did it…not Why but WHY? You know…what’s the method behind their madness…you know it takes a “special” person to rob a little old lady of her Pennies (Social security money)…Or to take that candy bar from the local Wal-Mart…Did they take it cause they were trying to feed their children? Were they on drugs and had to choose from stealing or prostituting to get it? Or were the person really seeking attention cause it’s getting cold and they need two till three hots and a cot for the winter?  This is the kinda of stuff I want know…knowing when the incident occurred? How many stitches the little old lady suffered when she was struck…or the amount of time or tax payers money was wasted to bust sticky finger Joe from stealing the candy bar from a multibillion dollar company…But this stuff wouldn’t be discussed…it’s not the FACTS or important enough to ask…Oh well, I will have to deal with what I am present with…Well if they choose me…

 

I waited for the call, went to the jury selection room…now that’s an interesting concept…they summon a large pool of people and arrest the ones that do not show…then you are paraded into a selection room, where you are “selected” to serve…That makes you really important…gives the non-selected a sense of rejection…but from what I’m gathering…it’s fun not be selected as Rejection is a GOOD thing…Hmm…It’s good to be rejected…that’s a new thing to chew on…I guess If I was being selected for a being a new butt plug model and was rejected I would be glad for that…but not being able to Legally judge someone and send them off to the stony lonesome….I don’t understand…

 

I continued to wait…now they are calling roll call…marking those who are present here and the ones who aren’t “snitching” and letting the Sherriff department know….one of the people that did not show was kin to me…should I have called and warned them?….Naw…they knew they were selected…guess I’m not good kin folk….But that’s for them to decided…

 

While waiting of course I began looking at the variety of people they summoned…I realize it’s really a pretty random group of people…different, races (doughnuts, pretzels, bagels, wheat and white bread, and even some sweet tarts), ages (dates on some of theses are near expiration while some need to go back into the oven), and social economic standing (some more valuable then the other)..either way it’s a good thing to know that the poor bum who’s getting judged will have a nice selection….

 

Well they finished roll call…And now they arranging them in order as needed…hmm I’m not selected…Oh well…they state I’m a fill in…a Filling…HA!!…this will be the day I will remember as the Doughnut who fills in…I’m fulfilling when eaten so I guess they were right to make me wait…But I hope they remember that…No one Like a stale Doughnut..

But Why Me?

Ever wondered Why me?  Well I wonder that often and I know I should be grateful for what I have, who I am, and all the wonderful blessing that have been tossed my way; but I can’t help but think Why Me?

I have been given the gift of sight and I’m so glad that I can see as this would be one of the last senses I would want to loose….But sometime I wished I have not seen this or that….as my job requires that if I see It or hear it I should react to protect…But not today…But there are days that I wished I didn’t see this…I’m tired… don’t really want to be bothered and I already have one million and one more things to do then to add one more thing one the never ending “To do list”…But Why Me?

Why did I have to be the one to see her slap her child so hard that he slid across the floor like he was on a slip and slide? Why do I have to be there to hear the screams and see the mother run in the store and leave the child in the running car…if only for a brief moment to buy a pack of cigarettes? Why do I have to be the one who see the mother and father curse and fight in front of the children who cover their eyes because they don’t want to see mommy hit daddy once again in the mouth?…But Why Me?

What is it about me, that places me in the right place at the wrong time? Is it that I frequently visit the stores, parks, or activities where children gather? Or is it that I have a sign on my forehead that states social worker…or child protector?…But Why Me?

What is it about being Me that attracts total strangers and they begin tell me their life story or their current problems as if I’m a priest, when only I ask “Hi,” while passing.  Is it my walk? My talk? Or the way I look at them?  I do smile at people, but a smile is a good thing right?…But Why Me?

I often see things I shouldn’t, and wonder about why the person did that action instead of what would have been socially appropriate…but then I find myself think that this person don’t know what they are doing and they just need some classes or skills to teach them. Or maybe an assessment that could provide the answer to the behavior or medication…But Why Me?

Is it my training, the status I have in the community, or my demeanor? I really don’t know, but would like find out…Anyone know? Anyone can give me the answer? Can anyone tell me Why Me?

Am I Crazy? Some times I wonder if the voices in my head are an inspiration or a curse….they often come to  me when I am not thinking, filling my head with noise….so forcing myself to focus on a task that I feel is important to me make it clearer…Although, sometimes I hear jokes and other days only whispers…whispers of naughty things that I was told was wrong to do or say, but they can say them anyway….

 

Am I Crazy? To wonder what makes my blood red while I see the blue veins instead…though I’m told that oxygen turn the blood red, is it possible to actually bleed blue? He states…” I can,” but I’m scared…scared that I may bleed blue and then once again go back…I WILL never go back….It’s dark there…

 

Am I Crazy? Or just a little weird, that I think death is funny but birth is sad…that each person born requires another to die, so that the circle of life is complete…are they right when they whisper to me, that if I stab her she will scream, but only for a few seconds…for then she will bleed blue…

 

Am I Crazy? or more insane for the voices repeat themselves, but they are saying different things….they sounds as one, as they tell of his coming…he will return and with it…shall cause fire and brimstone to fall….Will you be ready or will you stand in the rain with an umbrella…

 

Am I Crazy? If I think people would make great pets as long as you feed them, walked them, and give them what the want most of the time…If not they would turn on you and devour you, cracking your bones for it’s marrow, just as the dogs do…they say human meat is sweet…but I wouldn’t know…or would I…

 

I Am Crazy…I know this is true as the pills keep them away…make them sleep so I can play…I can function as others do…drive a car, go to school, get married and have kids too…just because I am crazy doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the right to live, to be free…to vote and be seen…I only want what others want…to dream