Tag Archive: voices


Cold Nights No More…

I’m Cold mama”, I said while shivering next to her on the back porch…

It was cold…and no matter how hard she tried, the cotton pajamas were not enough to keep me warm on the chilly, winter, night…the sky was full and the stars were shining bright. She was cold too as I could tell, she shivered and drew me close to her…

He will let us in, he’s just upset,” she stated while trying to provide hope for what appeared to be a hopeless situation…

The wind blew and we both drew closer to each other….this was not the first time we have sat outside together….wondering, waiting ..for him…he had no idea what he was doing to me…to her…they say what don’t kill you, make you stronger, and to some extent I believe it to be true…but what I have learned is…it May not kill you, but I really can fuck with your mind…tear that shit right apart…causing misfiring, chemical leaks and all kinda bizarre stuff to happen…and the sad thing about it is that…this can occur at any age…

That night, the wind appeared to be a little colder, the pajamas a little thinner….and she was appeared to be a tired…tired of his craziness…tired of his lies…tired of his bad choices…and tired of living with them…Now with some people when they get tired just want to roll over and sleep…not to be bothered, while others choose to do nothing when tiredness occur…But not her…she took the tiredness and dug deep within…she was gonna make this stop…No one was going to get her way…No one would stop her from getting out of the hell hole she was in….

I watched her stand up…”Get up boy”, she reached for my hand…I took hers and followed her…The wind still blowing, but this time it was against our backs…A chill crawled down my spine…causing me to draw closer to her as we walked…

Where we going Mama,” I asked…

We’re getting out of this cold, son“, she replied ” Can’t have you catching cold and We’re not waiting on him anymore. If he want us he will have to find us“…

Not knowing where she would go next, I followed her…Why not? she was my Mama…

We walked for a while, then she approached a house, knocked on the door… and she spoke with the lady…”Why sure you can come in, get out of the cold, he know better than that“…

Go sit down,” I was instructed to do…I found a nice comfy warm spot and sat down…the house was warm, so warm…”I remember being here before“, I thought…”Yes,” yawn…”this was”…yawn….I was tired…so tired..

Wake up!…Wake Up Boy!,”  it was a familiar voice, and a familiar face…I yawned and stood up…”Yes , Mama..” I looked around and saw my familiar things, my bed, my toys, my stuff…”How I get here,”  I thought to myself…

She was smiling, “Get dressed time for school“…

Ah! school,”  I thought to myself…”the one place I could be safe, safe from him”“That is true,”  I faintly heard…someone say…I looked around and did not see anyone,

“Ok!?”…I quickly got dressed, ate breakfast and headed to school….

Now did she remove me from that situation, nope, she remained there for several more years…producing more offspring, Why? I don’t know, but I do know that we never sat outside in the cold anymore…So whatever snapped in her mind…he must have recognized it

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Imagine That: Doughnut’s Do Dream

I awoke again…being quiet not to awake my brother as he lie next to me…What time was it? I couldn’t tell time properly, but I knew it was not the time for school…I hear the sounds of rustling, and tussling, then the familiar sound of  “Whack,” followed by a whimper and a cry for help….I hated this cry, hated this more that anything I could recall…it caused my heart to race and my stomach to cringe….If only I were bigger….If only I could stop this from occurring…”I WILL stop this one day,” I think, as I lay there with tears in my eyes…I get up…and make my way to the door, crack it open ever so slowly not to be noticed as I wanted to surprise him…”How would I stop this?” I asked myself…”I’m so small and he is huge, the biggest man I know“….I remembered how he would play with me and my brother…We would laugh as he played on the floor with us, toss the ball at us…”How could he be so mean to her?”…she have not done anything…she did everything he asked…How do I know? Caused I helped her….She kept saying, I must get this done before he gets home…He wants his food hot on arrival…She prepared, cooked and waited…and waited…she fed us…and waited…we took our baths so that we wouldn’t be in his way…and she waited…she had to turn the food off…it would have over cooked and burned…and that couldn’t happen…there were no way to keep it hot…besides reheating…Microwaves didn’t exist…It got so late…the darkness came…it extinguished the light and her spirit…She prayed…I know as I recognized that facial expression…the look of despair and desperation….she waited…and she sent us to bed…I said, “good night and I love you” after I said my prayers…”Now I lay me down to sleep…I pray the Lord my soul to keep…and I should die before I wake…I pray the lord my soul you take“…crawled in bed and waited…she waited….I drifted off to sleep…dreams I can’t recall, but I would often dream of a place where things were different…where I would not have to worry about him…about the hard steps, the heavy breathing, the slurred speech, the glassy stares, misplaced smiles, and that bitter, rancid smell….I dreamed I was running and playing in a field tossing a ball with him, he would toss it back and we would just laugh…this was the man I wanted to be with…the man I wanted to teach me how to ride my bike, play ball and cook…as he told me stories of how he was such a great cook…But NO! I didn’t have this man…I was given this horrible, terrible person who reeked and treated her so bad…the door opened slowly…all I could make out was the shadows…he was over her again, swinging…”Whack“…”Diiidn’t I…tell Youse… I want My Food Hot? “Huh“…”It was hot,  I..”…she responded, but before she could finish…”Whack“…this caused her to fall to the floor, like a sack of potatoes…My heart jumped to my throat as my thoughts raced…”Have he killed her? What do I do? He did kill her…Get up! Get up!…NO..Get Up!!”…I looked around and saw the bat…the bat he promised to teach me how play with…I creped out…he didn’t see me…he was kneeled over her…I heard ..”Whack“…Get your asss up!…Nothin’ wronnng wit you…Whack“…My heart racing now…it was beating so hard, I could feel it in my head now…”She is not moving…NO! She is not moving…Get Up!…please Get UP!”…my head begin to hurt…my eyes swelled and tears blinded me…”I’m gonna getcha!…I’m gonna stop you from hurtin’ her!“…I ran towards him…bat drawn back…You gonna pay…I screamed as I swung with all might…all the might a child could muster…”GET OFF HER…LEAVE HER ALONE!“…”WHACK“…..

I jump up, drenched in sweat, breathing hard…” You dreaming again?” ” Yes dear…I’m dreaming again.“…. “You OK?” ….”I fine..“… “K”….She rolls over, I smile at her…get up and go get a drink…If only she knew

Am I Crazy? Some times I wonder if the voices in my head are an inspiration or a curse….they often come to  me when I am not thinking, filling my head with noise….so forcing myself to focus on a task that I feel is important to me make it clearer…Although, sometimes I hear jokes and other days only whispers…whispers of naughty things that I was told was wrong to do or say, but they can say them anyway….

 

Am I Crazy? To wonder what makes my blood red while I see the blue veins instead…though I’m told that oxygen turn the blood red, is it possible to actually bleed blue? He states…” I can,” but I’m scared…scared that I may bleed blue and then once again go back…I WILL never go back….It’s dark there…

 

Am I Crazy? Or just a little weird, that I think death is funny but birth is sad…that each person born requires another to die, so that the circle of life is complete…are they right when they whisper to me, that if I stab her she will scream, but only for a few seconds…for then she will bleed blue…

 

Am I Crazy? or more insane for the voices repeat themselves, but they are saying different things….they sounds as one, as they tell of his coming…he will return and with it…shall cause fire and brimstone to fall….Will you be ready or will you stand in the rain with an umbrella…

 

Am I Crazy? If I think people would make great pets as long as you feed them, walked them, and give them what the want most of the time…If not they would turn on you and devour you, cracking your bones for it’s marrow, just as the dogs do…they say human meat is sweet…but I wouldn’t know…or would I…

 

I Am Crazy…I know this is true as the pills keep them away…make them sleep so I can play…I can function as others do…drive a car, go to school, get married and have kids too…just because I am crazy doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the right to live, to be free…to vote and be seen…I only want what others want…to dream